Did I ever think I’d constantly write about being quiet and preferring peace.
In my youth I had all kinds of ideas, but no idea how to achieve them. My parents were more likely to say no than ‘why not, we will back you.’ They considered praise to be dangerous as it created arrogance.
The things I could have offered the world had they been less scared! I’ve always had an underlying passion to help people and solve problems. Silly as it may sound, only one person was there for me so I made up mind that through my writing I’d try to be there for others.
Introducing Mildred Scrunge
For a person who probably comes across as a bit boring and quiet at times, I have a wicked sense of humour. If I can connect to my inner Mildred vibe I can literally have people crying with laughter and begging me to stop. Or in the words of my husband when I/she sent him an email to cheer him up at work:
“Thanks, I just spit my coffee all over my desk!”
Mildred is a Barrister of no repute whatsoever, she’s so crazy that rather than face her in court they will settle instantly they see her name. She’s very moral though, she will never defend anyone accused of violence.
Her technique is to explain exactly how everything is not her clients fault, even when they were found in the bank vault holding the money, at great length. She keeps going until no one can remember what the case is about, and the only way to shut her up is to declare her client innocent.
Jurists have left the country rather than ever risk serving again, and her last judge became a nun, which was a remarkable feat for a man. His poor mind was so addled the convent just took him in out of Godly compassion.
He knows that Mildred is a bit of a player when it comes to her three serious relationships with Mr Right(s), so he knows she would never been seen near a Convent in case she loses her sex drive and becomes normal, so he feels quite safe. I don’t think he will ever leave.
This world
Is such a mess, there is so much stress around, that it occurred to me yesterday that now was the time to continue with the self help book I was writing during Covid. Self-help from the craziest rebel that ever lived. A woman whose perspective is so unique I’m not sure the world is ready for her.
But the important thing is that there’s no harm in her. She’s entirely honest. Never unkind. Chaotic in the extreme, and sometimes, just sometimes, so crazily right that your worries are reduced to manageable proportions, instantly
I never let her near the serious subjects though. she’s purely for fun, and oh my gosh I need to be her at the moment. She may help you too!
Deb xx
“Are you really going to let me loose Deb?”
“Not loose exactly, just loosen the ties a bit.”
“I’ll need to make time in my diary, I’m currently half way up Machu Pichu looking for a blind, deaf, monk, who is apparently a worker of miracles. It seems easy, you stand outside his cave and call him, if he answers he will help you!”
“How does he answer if he can’t hear?”
“It’s a spiritual intuition thing. You know, you do that stuff.”
“How many people has he answered so far?“
“None.”
“And how much have you paid for this opportunity?”
“Well the price was £10,000 plus flights and a tent. But I slept with the company owner and got it for free.”
“You’re not that good!”
“No but I had a camera and he has a wife.”
“Mildred that’s so wrong!”
“And charging £10k isn’t? After the threats I issued upon leaving he will never cheat anyone ever again for any reason. He believes that I have cameras and mic’s everywhere and I bought off the police.”
“You have and you did.”
“I didn’t buy them off darling I slept with them too.”
“Dear God!”
“I might even try sex one day! But I do find that the hypnosis programme I play when they’re asleep is a lot less effort. Poor darlings, they’re all so exhausted and between my brand of relaxation and added oomph, there are many happy relationships amongst them now. I’m Godmother to 114 police offspring with another 10 on the way. They will do anything for me. Plus I’d never waste food money on cameras and mics, persuasion is free.”
“Don’t you mean Gin money?”
“I’m being properly politically correct now, if you’re going to ruin this book with the truth I’m not working with you!”
“So now I’m the problem?”
“Always…because I’m Mildred. By the time I’ve finished with your readers they will be free of all guilt and past hang ups and never take the blame for anything ever again even if they did it! I exist to empower!”
(Sound of deep sigh and questioning of sanity)
“Good luck with the monk, he probably will hear you.”
“No problem darling, I’m already sitting on his chest. Toodle pip.”
Deb Hawken - Amorah 