I Am

I Am
But what does that mean?
To Be?
What?
How?
Who?
And how can I Be when I'm too busy to take time to be?
Being I Am is more challenging that I thought

And what is Being?
Is it Being me?
What is me?
It really depends on my mood

I can be sanguine - irritated
Chilled - anxious
Happy - furious
Energetic - depressed
Full of gratitude
And ready to clump someone with a frying pan
All at the same time
I'm a very complex being trying to do the being

I tried being nothing
But something kept happening
I tried being someone
But I found I lacked definition
I was soft around the edges with a well-hidden nutty side
Like an inverted Ferraro Rocher

Besides is I Am enough?
And does there have to be a definite Am in order to Be?
Wife
Cat mother
Worker
Daughter
Friend
Chocoholic
Writer
Author
Poet
Speaker

People are always telling me to define me
Or doing it for me
Telling me I can't be all those things
But I Am!
And that's just the tip of the iceberg
Being me is a big thing

I didn't choose these things either
I became them
Once I wasn't them then I was
I wasn't born with a pen in one hand
And a microphone in the other
I certainly wasn't born in front of a computer
They still took up an entire room when I was Being born

I guess I was born Being
Already an Am without a clue
That I would ever need to know what that was

I decided to ask some people who knew me
Things got much worse
It turns out that there are approximately twelve of me
Some nice some more 'feisty' some in between
Is that balance?

I resolved to try silence
Being Being requires silence doesn't it?
In this world?
I discovered that I am disrupted by this world!
I know gurus would tell me that I should be silent within
But my mind is within and it is very noisy

I try telling my mind to calm down
But it says
"Like hell, I have too much to do and so do you!"
I tense up calming down

Meditate they say
I sit down and put on some music
The doorbell rings
A cat jumps and knocks a plant over
The phone buzzes
I realise that I need the loo
I treat wet compost up the stairs
I can't relax with that mess so I clean up
One...hour...later...

I keep trying to still my mind
Where are the cats?
Will Tony be in for tea?
Did I switch the washing machine off?
The flooding situation is very worrying!
I do miss the Duke of Edinburgh!
Don't I have the builders coming tomorrow?

Sometimes
If I go out for a walk
I have a moment where I Am
But I can't seem to embrace the mindful
I've tried it and I forget
Or become distracted

I go to the bedroom to get my phone
Which leads me to the kitchen where I left it
But not the charging cable
I find that in the garden where I left that
When I was putting the washing out
Except that's still in the basket
Because said phone rang and distracted me

During such chaos I forget to focus on mindfulness
And embrace a random sort of me-ness
Which makes so much sense in a weird way
AND encourages exercise
So
All in all the exercise obtained by becoming distracted is good
And mindfulness could make me fat!

So is there a conclusion to the complexity that is me?
I think there is
Where I write - like this - I am in this moment
I'm Being Me
And it's fun

Is Being fun?
It should be don't you think?
Shall we just have fun and leave the Being to get on with itself?
I think we should
Yes
This has been a good moment
I have been Being
And I Am...
Happy

To your happiness
Deb Hawken
April 2021