I Am

I Am
But what does that mean?
To Be?
And how can I Be when I'm too busy to take time to be?
Being I Am is more challenging that I thought

And what is Being?
Is it Being me?
What is me?
It really depends on my mood

I can be sanguine - irritated
Chilled - anxious
Happy - furious
Energetic - depressed
Full of gratitude
And ready to clump someone with a frying pan
All at the same time
I'm a very complex being trying to do the being

I tried being nothing
But something kept happening
I tried being someone
But I found I lacked definition
I was soft around the edges with a well-hidden nutty side
Like an inverted Ferraro Rocher

Besides is I Am enough?
And does there have to be a definite Am in order to Be?
Cat mother

People are always telling me to define me
Or doing it for me
Telling me I can't be all those things
But I Am!
And that's just the tip of the iceberg
Being me is a big thing

I didn't choose these things either
I became them
Once I wasn't them then I was
I wasn't born with a pen in one hand
And a microphone in the other
I certainly wasn't born in front of a computer
They still took up an entire room when I was Being born

I guess I was born Being
Already an Am without a clue
That I would ever need to know what that was

I decided to ask some people who knew me
Things got much worse
It turns out that there are approximately twelve of me
Some nice some more 'feisty' some in between
Is that balance?

I resolved to try silence
Being Being requires silence doesn't it?
In this world?
I discovered that I am disrupted by this world!
I know gurus would tell me that I should be silent within
But my mind is within and it is very noisy

I try telling my mind to calm down
But it says
"Like hell, I have too much to do and so do you!"
I tense up calming down

Meditate they say
I sit down and put on some music
The doorbell rings
A cat jumps and knocks a plant over
The phone buzzes
I realise that I need the loo
I treat wet compost up the stairs
I can't relax with that mess so I clean up

I keep trying to still my mind
Where are the cats?
Will Tony be in for tea?
Did I switch the washing machine off?
The flooding situation is very worrying!
I do miss the Duke of Edinburgh!
Don't I have the builders coming tomorrow?

If I go out for a walk
I have a moment where I Am
But I can't seem to embrace the mindful
I've tried it and I forget
Or become distracted

I go to the bedroom to get my phone
Which leads me to the kitchen where I left it
But not the charging cable
I find that in the garden where I left that
When I was putting the washing out
Except that's still in the basket
Because said phone rang and distracted me

During such chaos I forget to focus on mindfulness
And embrace a random sort of me-ness
Which makes so much sense in a weird way
AND encourages exercise
All in all the exercise obtained by becoming distracted is good
And mindfulness could make me fat!

So is there a conclusion to the complexity that is me?
I think there is
Where I write - like this - I am in this moment
I'm Being Me
And it's fun

Is Being fun?
It should be don't you think?
Shall we just have fun and leave the Being to get on with itself?
I think we should
This has been a good moment
I have been Being
And I Am...

To your happiness
Deb Hawken
April 2021

Published by debdancingstarhawken7

I'm a writer, public speaker, medium, and spiritual thinker. I suffered from acute anxiety from the age of 16 until I was well into my 50s, after fearlessly exploring many ideas, philosophies, and tools, I finally found methods that helped me return my mind to a better normal. One of the things I hated about anxiety was the way people treated me like a fool or a problem, I have two degrees and I'm a (much) retired black belt, my IQ is decent, but I constantly felt like a complete idiot, something that was exacerbated by never feeling like the real me. The girl who could laugh endlessly about the smallest things, and had a real excitement about what life had to offer her. I didn't need anyone else to tell me I wasn't 'right', I knew that better than anyone. My mission now is to support people suffering as I did with a message of support with what they're going through, tools and ideas that might help, and a strong message of hope for the future. At 63, which I am at the time of writing, many people I know are in a rut, yet having beaten anxiety I'm now doing more with my life than I ever did when I was struggling just to get up in the morning, let alone face the day. It's a wonderful feeling - so the main message is that it doesn't matter how long you've been struggling or what age you are, when you beat anxiety you will get an entirely new lease of life - and that's fantastic at any age. On a personal note I'm married to my soul mate, we have 5 cats, and I live in the middle of the UK. I follow a number of fantastic thinkers, as it's important to immerse yourself in healthy thinking as often as you can, I'm a Toastmaster and professional public speaker, and I keep life simple and encourage my clients to do the same, and my friends.

2 thoughts on “I Am

  1. I see that you were thinking poetically, or someone was. I don’t know if you were thinking like Descartes so would qualify to exist. I don’t think he was a poet. I’m pretty sure is not thinking anymore. At one time Shakespeare had a question about whether René actually said “I am thinking, therefore I exist.” I don’t know why Shakespeare had to take slings and arrows for that remark. Yeah, well…René Descartes said “Cogito, ergo sum,” but he was a hypocrite because he only existed but for the Cartesian coordinate system that he thought of watching a spider in the corner of a room moving along the three perpendicular lines of the room. When he went into deep sleep, not in the dream phase, he went out of existence because he wasn’t a spider at that time. Spiderman says, “I exist because I’m spinning a tale with threads of silken dreams.”


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