Loaded Question!

What’s something you used to worry about but don’t anymore?

I had the all-time weirdest upbringing. My parents wanted to raise the perfect child, and all they succeeded in raising was someone crippled with guilt, fear, and failure.

Talk about unexpected consequences, but trust need me when I say that the aim for perfection was exhausting. Even when I left home I carried on the only personality pattern I knew.

I felt to blame for everything, I took the blame for everything. Even illness. I felt as if I’d done something terribly wrong, let my body down, let everyone around me down.

If someone criticised me I automatically accepted it as right, didn’t even question it. Eventually I stopped making friends and shut myself away.

When it came to family I accepted what was thrown at me. Which of course led to:

I nearly had a breakdown, it was very close but I sought immediate help.

I lucked on a Community Psychiatric Nurse who nailed the problem inside one hour: my father continually moved the goal posts, excellence wasn’t good enough. To truly succeed was to show off. Lose/lose situation of epic proportions.

As we uncovered my life story I was stunned to see how shocked he was at much of what I said.

This was the moment I learned something very important!

If people make you feel worthless you should ask yourself what kind of person treats another person like that?

It’s such a vital question and I never asked it. No once. But as I recovered and moved forward I understood that the way people speak and behave is who they are.

Someone may be annoying or irritating, but you’re choosing that reaction. Ask why. You also don’t have to be rude to make a point.

“I refuse to be spoken to in that way, if you can’t be polite I will leave.”

Is ten times more powerful than ‘shut the f*ck up!’, and a hundred times more powerful than punching them.

I can honestly tell you that in the whole of my life I have never deliberately chosen to try and hurt or belittle. It’s just who I am, I don’t know why. “Hey baby I was born this way” to quote Lady Gaga.

It also didn’t do me much good, as my mother pointed out. So if it is a good character trait it’s still not a lot of use with screwed up people. Sigh.

Which leads us happily to:

I dug in, I found my self-worth, I recognised my strengths as well as my weaknesses. I achieved balance and common sense. I’m human – expect chaos at times!

So what did I use to worry about? I’ll answer that by quoting an old description of me:

I worried in case there was something I should be worrying about, and I’d forgotten what it was.

Now the simple answer is, I don’t do that. I’m normally anxious about normal things.

But I am far from normal – whatever that is. It is fun though.

Best love

Amorah – Deb