Me Probably

Who is the most confident person you know?

Except I struggle like most other people.

I sometimes think what others call confidence is actually a combination of stoicism and reality with a touch of not thinking about yourself too much thrown in.

My mum

Was one of the most naturally beautiful women I’d ever seen until the day she died. When I last saw her, so elderly, desperately thin, that beautiful skin and those eyes, that natural soft hair, there was still an underlying beauty that age couldn’t touch. Yet she never once believed it.

What I always felt from my observations was that she was determined not to believe in herself. She would call herself ‘thick’ when she was actually stunningly wise and emotionally very intelligent, she just wasn’t a book learner and she mistook that for the only intelligence. I’m sure there was an element of dyslexia there.

Schooling just didn’t work for her. WWII ended her dream of being a Court Dressmaker, she had an apprenticeship set up but her grandmother vetoed her working in London during the Blitz, understandably. She would have been working on clothes for The late Queen. She landed up in a factory.

That made her feel stupid, even though the work was highly technical and she became a supervisor, the girl who couldn’t achieve her dream was crushed. She an accidentally did that to me trying to make my life better, so I understand the effects whilst appreciating deeply what she tried to do.

I would describe my mum, and my brother, as two people who thought too much about how they thought other people related to them, and not enough about living their lives as equal humans.

Never tell yourself that others are better, that’s your story not theirs. My uncle saved my brother by pointing out that none of the pride he thought were looking at him and judging him, were even thinking about him.

I’m blessed that I took after dad, yes we both got knocked, both question(ed) ourselves deeply, both worked very hard to be decent, genuine, and loving. Neither succeed(ed) all the time. But we didn’t focus on what others thought of us. We just walk(ed) into a room expecting to find friends.

As you may tell by the brackets, dad’s in spirit too.

Advice for those lacking confidence

1. Stop thinking about yourself, think about your life and having fun.
2. Don’t judge yourself, do the best you can as the person you are now, and build on it.
3. Remember that beauty doesn’t create happiness, making the right decisions does.
4. Don’t fall for the story that if you were better looking and more talented you’d have a better life. Money is great, looks are nice, but looks fade and money does not buy happiness. Fact. You make happiness with your thoughts.
5. Happiness doesn’t worry about perfect skin, being slim, being super-intelligent. Happiness gets on with life and having fun. Happiness is often the path to excellent health too.
6. Happiness is super-attractive, if you want to find the right person attract them with your smile and leave them if they dim it.
7. Don’t stay with anyone or in any job or situation that makes you unhappy. Do not fall for the idea that happiness is a myth created by idiots. If you make the right decisions you will create it. Be a quitter, walk away, get things right. People will tell you quitting is a weakness, rubbish, it’s an incredible strength.
8. Find clothes you’re comfortable in and you will feel good. If you can’t style your hair keep the style simple. If you’re not good with make up for special events, go minimal.
9. If you’re not good at football, dancing, singing, art, fixing cars, and so on, go and find what you are good at.
10. Don’t listen to others, define yourself.

I’m not the greatest person in the world, I’m not stupid enough to aim for the unobtainable, but I do my best to live a life of kindness, and if I fall below my own standards I tell myself off, sort myself out, and move on trying to do better.

Confidence

Does not exist. Knowing what you’re doing does. Working hard to be good at something does.

Famous sportspeople, wealthy business people, top artists of ask kinds, none of them got where they are sitting at home. They got there through perseverance and good training that gave them a sense of self-belief they could build on. Artists of course listen to the muse too, it’s highly emotional and driven by something within and outside you in the ether somewhere.

But no one succeeds who sits there telling themselves they’re stupid, ugly, or unworthy. No one needs to think that way.

I’m the clever one, my brother had the far better career all round. I’m the writer. I didn’t write for years, I didn’t succeed. Go figure.

I just had to stop thinking about my life and unhappiness, why family hurt me, why my hubby was always at work, moving me around the country leaving behind friends, leaving me so alone. All I had to do was stop that and think about what I did want. And do it.

That’s all.

No one told me, but I’m telling you:

Don’t let the myth of confidence affect the reality of your life. Change what doesn’t work, reject unhappiness, believe you deserve the best, make it happen.

Deb Hawken

Stop focusing inward and focus outwards. Love is driven by thoughts – choose ones that create happiness and you’ll never need to think about confidence again.

Love and joy – but mostly love yourself enough to do this.

Deb xx