Raw Question

How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?

The day before yesterday I had so many likes on my blog I was walking on air, yesterday they fell through the floor.

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same

If – by Rudyard Kipling

I try to pay attention, but the idea that I’m helping people or cheering them up has me walking on air, the idea that I’ve failed dismally triggers all the old crap.

Teach her a lesson

My dad once told me that the worst thing he could say about a family member was that they wanted to be their best. I asked him if that meant better than everyone else, he said “oh no, they’re not like that, they just want to be the best they can at everything they do.” I was baffled.

I adored my dad, but Mum was very screwed up, lacked any confidence whatsoever even though she was both a beautiful and wise woman. Her words have been mistaken for something said by my spirit guide, she was that good.

Two of the three sisters were very competitive, they wanted the best looking husband, who was the best person ever. So dad was put on an enormous pedestal, can do no wrong, perfect in all things. To not believe that dad was right would bring down more trouble than it was worth.

His words were “Who put me up there? And remember that I have vertigo.” Which struck me as a very kind way to call mum a bit messed up.

You can imagine the power of those words at the time. He destroyed my first play with words. Not criticising the play, undermining me. I hung on though.

That’s a microcosm of my life. People think I need tearing down to stop me getting too impressed by myself. As I once said “if you want to put me down you’ll have to dig me up first.” Self-esteem and I had never met.

I hung in there though. I’m nothing if not stubborn. Thank God!

Warrior

I am a warrior. There was a bit inside me that would not quit.

For me ‘apparent failure‘ is a great term. Nothing is real unless you make it real.

Nothing can tear you down unless you choose to fall. I choose to stand.

When I go back through the lessons of my life, attempting to use them to help others, none of the bad stuff feels real. Yes it broke me, but what is real is that I rebuilt me.

Failure created by upbringing and the people around me, some small success now, but now I focus on the wins. You can build from a win however small.

Tips for standing firm

1. Don’t let other peoples’ thoughts and beliefs take root inside your head. They come from their life experience, not yours.
2. Don’t drag the past with you. Particularly wish I’d known this one. The instant an event has happened it’s in the past. Review it, learn from it, leave it there.
3. You are a whole and unique human being. No one else knows you. FACT. Not even your parents wholly know you, certainly not who you can become. The possibilities are infinite. Learn about yourself, explore who you are, actively seek positive experiences and people that will teach you, take you where you want to go. Learn, expand, build, repeat. Trust and believe in yourself.
4. Surround yourself with good people who support you, preferably ones that will tell you straight when you’re being an idiot, but in a positive way that leads to growth.
5. Do not not not make anyone in your life more important than you. Not even your children, otherwise they could grow up thinking they’re second best…or worthless. Making yourself important actually makes you more aware of the importance of others, because it doesn’t frighten you. It’s those who feel worthless who spend their lives trying to drag others down lower than them to make them feel good.
6. If something goes wrong, learn, smile, keep going.

Failure?

Have my very real failures defined or ruined my life? No. They’ve affected it yes, but today is a new day. Yesterday’s blog was yesterday, there will be another one tomorrow.

Have they set me up for success? Who knows? But doesn’t that depend on how you measure success?

Is it money? Is it being internationally known for your genius, beauty, wit and wisdom? Or…

Is it something quieter?

I’m a better, kinder, person because of those perceived failures.

The emotional garbage I collected, the undoing, made me kinder. It gave me an awareness of others. The pain in me despite the fact that I was financially blessed and seemed to have everything, made me non-judgmental. It helped me to see.

You might say that the pain in me sees and respects the pain in you, as being your pain not my take on it. I see your joy and potential too.

I’d have been a precious princess without the experiences which would have been wrong because that’s not the authentic me.

Mind-blowing diversion

In fact something has just clicked in my mind. When I was 18 my dad forced me to go and work in the London Ambulance Service admin. He told me point blank not to embarrass him by not getting the job. I wouldn’t have dared.

On my first day a woman looked at me and said “don’t think we’re going to like you just because of who your father is, in fact I don’t think we do.” My dad was the lowest rank of ambulance officer there was. He always refused promotions even though he could have given a lot at a higher rank. People respected him and he had a good way with them.

I realise now that I probably did have that princess attitude because of how mum viewed him, and those cruel words were part of what saved me. It’s a far better way to look back at it.

That was also the job where I was told that I’d turned myself into a truly nice person.

Wow…that’s one huge amazing shift in focus! I will view yesterday’s blog crash quite differently now! It created this one. 💖🙏🏻🤲

Back on track

So success. No matter what I’m a better person than I could have been. I care deeply for all living beings and the planet.

The ‘failures’ bought out the success of me finding my soul, the true me, that did not ever believe, deep down, that anything that was happening was right or necessary. It’s the greatest thing that can happen. It ties you to love.

I find all unkindness, from the smallest word to the most violent, completely unnecessary. It’s the province of the weak.

So:

1. Failure isn’t what we believe it to be, it’s a lesson to show us the right path.
2. Define your own success.
3. Remember that billionaires aren’t happy, they’re still chasing more, they’re in a race to the first trillionaire. Employing people some of whom can’t afford to eat. Is that success? Not for me. It’s what else they do to improve the world that counts.
4. Success might just be happiness unaffected by events.

What do you think?

It’s important that you know. It will define your life.

I think it’s right. I will write anyway because I love it, and maybe someone out there feels better because I do. That’s a win.

Best love – only love

Deb xx