Alone but Not Lonely

Do you suffer from loneliness?

This is a long blog but this is a complex question with many potential causes. I suggest that you look at just the ones that resonate with you if you’re not into long reads. On the other hand it may help you identify what triggers your feelings of loneliness. So, let’s explore this question of many causes and components.

Causes

• Loss of a loved one or pet. Or more than one. I’m grateful I’m a medium became I’ve reached the age when I know many more people who are spirit-side than I know in this world. As well as 9 cats, 5 dogs, 2 guinea pigs, a budgie, and friend’s pets. This is just me saying: I know.
• Moving a long distance and not knowing a soul.
• Being a person who feels they can’t make friends.
• Being a loner but finding it difficult.
• Depression and anxiety.
• Health issues that trap you indoors.
• The break up of a relationship.
• Racism or genderism.
• Victim of a family with a poor attitude.

They’re the main ones I can think of that lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Thoughts

Sometimes it’s as simple as getting out there more and meeting new people. If, however, you suffer from physical health issues that mean you need help to go out, and may not have that, or mental health issues that make going outside a door your worst nightmare, or hearing loss which can make life very difficult, those pat answers don’t help. So what can?

Let’s return to the list above:

• Loss of a loved one or pet
  As we know with grief, it must be allowed to heal in its own good time. We also know that you never completely get over a loss, but you do get to the point that you can cope. The important things are not to rush it, as we know, but also to allow the healing. Different character types handle it in different ways, and there is no wrong or right, but I do feel sorry for the people who seem to stay stuck in a place where they keep mourning, even though their loved one or pet wouldn’t want them to do that, to be sad. However, we all do the best we can and there are no one size fits all answers here.
  
  Allow the healing and try to accept this new reality in time, is about the best I have. When it comes to loneliness, as soon as you feel able have a friend round for coffee, take it slowly, build up gradually. Happiness is not a sin, love never dies, and it’s the link that binds us forever.
• Moving a long distance and not knowing a soul
  This is one I’ve been through and most times I’ve been able to make new friends, not up here particularly, but I do have some. When you make this choice for whatever reason you need to be proactive, find out what’s on in your area, perhaps try joining a few groups, tell your colleagues if you work that you’re new to the area, get ideas for where people connect, with luck they will offer to show you/introduce you around, or meet up for a coffee.
  
  Just take responsibility that you are the new person to the area and you have to make this work. It’s much more powerful than sitting and waiting.
• Being a person who feels they can’t make friends
  This is an old bugaboo of mine. I’ve never been a well-liked person, but on the other hand I have known a great deal of loyalty from friends in my life. My dad once said that if you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand you’re a very lucky person, I have four people that come into that category, and a lot of people who, whilst we don’t get together as friends, would help me if they could. As I would do anything for them.
  
  The message here is that I turned round the idea that I’m not wildly popular to the realisation that I have people that I trust in my life, four very close, and at least another 10 that I know care about me, as I care about them. I recognised my luck not my lack.
• Being a loner but finding it difficult
  I also related to this one until I accepted that I am actually a loner. I enjoy being alone. I also love being with people. I’m an ambivert, both extrovert and introvert.
  
  So first explore whether you’re allowing your natural nature to upset you. There is no rule that says you have to be social. Be at peace with saying no if you don’t feel like going out, but making it clear that you’re just feeling quiet at the moment. That way you don’t put friends off. If you’re a true loner the difficult part is more than likely driven by feeling that you ought to be something else. Acceptance of the right to be yourself helps a lot.
• Depression and anxiety
  Depression and and anxiety make you lonely within, lonely with yourself, and they’re very, very hard things to bear. It’s obvious to say seek help, but it’s also true that the only person who can fight back is you. Others can help you, but you have to be the team leader. As you read further please remember that I had acute anxiety for over 40 years, so I’m not unsympathetic, I learned some hard lessons about it but they were good lessons.
  
  It’s hard to fight back when your mind is exhausted, so finding ways to rest your mind is key. Meditation is a learned art but it will help. If it’s too much to start with just practice taking two or three slow, deep, breaths every hour, and letting the breath out slowly. Try to get out for a walk, exercise burns off anxiety, but if you really can’t then walk around indoors. Stick your head out of the window or stand at the door and get some fresh air, on a sunny day sit on the doorstep and feel the sun on your face. This will help. Talk to your doctor not just about anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, but above vitamins and minerals, make sure your body has everything it needs and you’re not deficient. Watch comedies; listen to your favourite music, have a warm bath, read a good book, do anything but get lost in your own mind. Eat regularly, hunger will make you feel worse. Drink well, dehydration doesn’t help the brain or mind. That’s a few simple ideas that may help. Importantly, baby steps are key with these illnesses, small victories are much better than big failures.
• Health issues that trap you indoors
  These are hard as the support isn’t there nowadays. Your ability to go out and make friends can be curtailed by the need for carers, the inability to move around freely, pain (which is depressing), and any number of very real reasons. As such a quick fix isn’t respectful, but I do have one idea that might help.
  
  Obviously you may have friends and family that can visit to help you, and give you some company. But online can be your friend in these situations. If you are able to work a computer, smart phone, or tablet, then you have a doorway to the world right there. Many computers can be voice activated. If you can do that then there are courses available to you, many people offer free introductory course. You can do a face-to-camera call with friends. You could set up a coffee morning group with other people you may know in the same position. You may find other on line groups that will give you company and engage your mind.
• The break up of a relationship
  Ugh, so you’re either the person who broke up the relationship, and possibly didn’t realise how big the knock-on effect can be, or you’re the person that was ‘dumped’. Let’s take these one at a time because they’re quite different.
  
  The perpetrator: If it’s your first serious break up you’ll probably be surprise at how wide the effect of your decision is. I was. It felt like an us problem but it affected everyone we knew. I don’t know what I expected, and please remember I was born in a day and age when divorce wasn’t that common, but it wasn’t that. I thought all our friends would remain friends with us both, that was our intention, it didn’t work. They had to take sides. I discovered later that my ex wasn’t as honest as I thought he was and did a lot of stirring behind my back that I hadn’t expected. So the message is, no matter what the intentions it may very well work out differently. Be prepared if you’re the one who made the decision, family and friends may blame you for upsetting their world. That’s what surprised me, I didn’t own my marriage, everyone else owned it too. Everyone sided with the man who nearly destroyed my mind, because I made the call. However, if you know you’re right weather any storm and don’t back down. You deserve happiness, you may just be a bit lonely until you build up a new circle, or everyone settles down. You can use this time to reflect on life and what you want out of it, perhaps create a vision board, and start focusing on the future.
  
  You were dumped! It feels horrible. You thought you had happiness and you didn’t. You thought you had someone and you didn’t. You thought you could trust them and you couldn’t. And so on. And breathe. Even if you didn’t choose to break up the relationship, reflect for a moment, how happy were you? Honestly. If you realise you weren’t that happy a lot of the time then maybe that will help. We often settle for second best because that’s what we have, or what we’re used to, or both. If you honestly were happy, just hugs, but it doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy of the relationship, or love, people change, which is sad. I didn’t know when I married my ex that Tony was just leaving school in New Zealand and would take a few years to find me. Had I met Tony when I was dating my ex, that would have been it, he was the one. As such my first marriage had to break up. You may have been freed to find ‘the real one’. However, right now you’re hurting. Any break up, particularly of long term or important relationships is a death process, and you need to mourn it, come to terms with it, allow yourself to cry, to be sad, listen to the love ballads, watch the romantic movies, get the feelings out. Crying is the best way as it releases emotions, alcohol just gives you a headache which makes everything worse. Eating everything in sight won’t comfort you. Crying and mourning properly will free you after a period of healing. Just don’t make it too long. Set a date, perhaps a year in the future, where you will pick yourself up, dust yourself down, have a new haircut, a holiday with the girls or boys, get a new job. Whatever it will take to start a new chapter in your life.
• Racism or genderism
  If you suffer from either of these my heart goes out to you. Whomever you are, you are as God/nature intended, and perfect as you are. Never doubt that. As a white person I’m not going to comment deeply on this one as I have limited experience. There is an element of racism towards white people, and of course as a woman I’ve taken my fair share of put-downs, but it’s far more prevalent towards non-whites and LGTBIQ people, and that’s where the focus must lie. However, I try to help if I can so please take this in the spirit that I truly care when anyone gets hurt and will always try to see if I can help.
  
  Neither are acceptable and they’re about the people insulting you, not you. Of course you know that, and it helps not at all. You also know that the only thing you can do is learn not to be affected, but how. Obviously some form of counselling may help, a support group may help, but I would honestly suggest three things:
  
  1. Meditation to centre yourself, calm your mind, and release the hurt feelings. You may also want to learn about Ho’oponopono, it sounds very weird but it works. I suggest Joe Vitale: Zero Point, as a good starting point. It’s something you can use in seconds, which helps when you’re at work and can’t nip off for half an hour.
  
  2. Martial arts, you will not learn to be violent you will learn to be confident. When you know that you can put someone on the floor, there is no need to do that, but the ruder they are the harder you have to try not to smile. A man was insulting me once and I was nearly bursting trying not to laugh as I could have disabled him with on kick. Obviously I did not, but the knowledge that I wasn’t helpless negated the hurt and made him look, well, silly. Tai Chi is just about perfect, it’s very centring and relaxing, looks inoffensive, but it’s the basis of all the martial arts and some of their simple flowing movements are really handy. Best of both worlds.
  
  3. Buddhism. It’s very much about mastery of the self and the emotions, and Enlightenment is happiness according to the Buddha. If you’re highly trained to be happy, and have regular meetings to meditate, and be with like-minded souls, the idiots will have far less of an effect on you. I could have just said ‘centring yourself’ in this section, but in truth this training would give you far more than that.
• Victim of a family with a poor attitude
  Were your family a glass half full or half empty family? Or one of those who’d never had a glass? If they were your loneliness may not be real, it may be the result of a trained reaction to life that is anything but positive. If you were raised that the rich had it in for you, everyone was better off, you could only succeed if you had millions and went to a posh school, and you would be held back if you didn’t, or some such, it can have an effect on your self-worth, which can make it difficult to connect with others. Especially those with a more open and optimistic mindset. So mindset-wise you’re really up against it. There is an answer:
  
  Change your attitude. If this could be the case then reflect on what you were taught, which is not your fault. Sift it, keep the good stuff and then work out a better way to think about and feel about life. Notice how people around you react, measure how your family would react up against people who move through life more easily. If you conclude this is the cause of your feelings of loneliness and isolation, rebuild yourself. Find a way to be, and respond to life and others, that works well for you.
  
  Note: I had to do this. I was raised with a poor attitude. I went through a great deal of hurt and isolation until I realised what was wrong. I had a spiritual mentor/friend who opened my eyes to the wider world, and another way of being. He introduced me to the great thinkers, Krishna Murti, Eckhart Tolle, and so many more. They showed me how limited my knowledge of the outside world was, how limited my family’s thinking was, how much we limited ourselves to one mindset, one truth, one way. The thing was, it wasn’t the mindset, the truth, or the way of the younger generation. I changed, my brother has changed, sadly a cousin didn’t. Love her heart. There is no shame in a bad upbringing, the only shame is carrying it on, and that’s a sad shame not a humiliating one, if its affecting your life and making you unhappy.

Finally – the conclusion

Told you this was a long one, but it was that was as issues often have more than one cause, so you may have read only what you need to, or found that you flow across several different issues. Whichever it was, I hope you found something that will help you get a good start on solving your problem. However,…

Soul-centred living

Is the conclusion.

Believing that you’re soul, part of the mighty atom that some call a version of God and I call Source, which is still an English term I admit, changes you. You just want to be kinder. You have an appreciation of life, all life, it’s why I can’t be prejudiced about race or gender, we are all soul, all part of the whole, all one huge family. You understand that the universal energy is love and you want to be part of it because it feels beautiful.

As you learn you will find that you’re more centred, calmer in yourself, there is nothing better to change you than new information and ideas. This world will blow your mind with the amount of things you didn’t know you didn’t know. The amount of beauty that exists. The number of amazing, loving, kind, people out there. As with all things it’s believing in the best that helps you to find it.

Believing you are soul, an energy that existed long before your parents conceived you and your elders taught you, way before teachers, bosses, friends, filled your mind with ideas of who you are, frees you from being what you were taught to be. It’s the ultimate blank page on which you can write anything you want to write.

Don’t think of this idea as being a result of failure, every single child that ever walked this earth, including your parents and elders was a victim of the same thing. It’s the way of the world. No one failed. The difference may be that, in the way that Keith told me, I’m now telling you. If Keith hadn’t told me..? I don’t know. I was so depressed only my cats were keeping me alive, I got them to have something more important than me and it worked. I’m no miracle, I’m a truly blessed person who found someone who truly cared.

So have you.

I’m here if you need me. Send me an email at debdancingstar@gmail.com, if you need help or guidance. You can of course work with me, but I will always offer a few ideas just because Keith did that for me. One day you can pay it forward too. You’re not alone. You too can feel like this!

Deb xx