Hands Up…!

Okay I admit it! I’m having a wobble. I’ve lost myself and tried to undo all my forward momentum on my anxiety.

I went back to my Joe Dispenza meditations faster than the speed of light! I have found though that one meditation works better than the other for me.

Boy have I struggled…I wrote in my poem ‘I Am’, which is on here somewhere, that I tense up calming down. I was a perfect example of that today.

Take a deep breath? You actually want me to breathe?

Relax your body. Mental note: pencil in time to remember how.

You get the picture. But I stuck at it, even though I felt like a floorboard trying to relax, I got through the entire 1 hour 20 minutes, and I do feel better. I felt even better on Tuesday, which was what made me (stupidly) think that I didn’t need to do it yesterday. I had cured myself in one go! Stupid comes to mind. But that’s part of the problem.

Guilt!

It’s been my guiding word for a lot of my life. I have a set of personal life beliefs that I follow. I have empirical evidence that these beliefs work as I’ve seen them in action in both my grandmothers. They also marry very well with my spiritual beliefs. I feel guilty living my life a different way and ignoring certain aspects of our social expectations.

Oddly-not-oddly, this came up in our spiritual group yesterday, we did one of our visualisation journeys and all realised some important things about the way we don’t help ourselves, to put it mildly. Yet another layer of the onion was peeled away. The thing with childhood programming is that it’s buried deep, and we’re creatures of habit, we will return to the old ways when we’re feeling tired and exhausted. It’s not surprising. It’s not a crime. But it needs recognising and dealing with. 

Firstly by reflecting on what happened or is happening. There will be something. There are reasons I’ve relapsed slightly, and I am pleased with how fast I’ve got a handle on it.

My husband is under great pressure at work, which means he’s not happy. Read between the lines if you will but don’t add in any violence or harsh speech, he’s too kind for that. Our cat Amie has just been diagnosed with diabetes, and we have to give her injections. Amie does not wish to cooperate. We are rank amateurs. She has worked out the time of both injections and takes cover in impossible places. The resistance has begun. Fortunately our vets are beyond fabulous so we’re well supported.

Add to all this, wanting to move and we can’t, yet one of my closest friends lives near me and leaving her feels almost impossible, staying here feels slightly more impossible. We want to be near my family, and near my wonderful Frister and her husband, and we don’t really know where we want to live! Mind you, my brother and sister (in-law) don’t want to be where they are either, so we will all sit down and work that out. At the moment though, it’s all just aarrgghh. What…fun. 

Classic build-up

These are just the things that stand out. In amongst all that are a few other irritating situations that have added up. It’s those small things that seem to mean nothing that add up to everything.

And none of it really matters.

Despite the dislike of all things needle we’ve hopefully managed to settle Amie down, bless her, and the rest can be dealt with. Well except my husband’s work, it’s either month end, year end, or time for a new computer system. I used to say he suffered with PMT – permanent month-end-trauma. It was havoc when that and the real thing clashed.

The important message though is, exactly as I’ve said in my book and throughout this blog, when life throws you a curve ball it’s often landed before you realise you need to catch it. No one is immune to a wobble. Just grab hold of its throat as soon as you can, and if you have techniques use them.

Don’t just think about them. Stick with them until you feel solidly calmer (Debra). Use every tool at your disposal, remind yourself of every wise word, re-read the books that have saved you (or mine is rather handy – you’ll only find understanding in those pages). Just “love yourself enough to do this” Joe Dispenza.

He’s right. It’s that simple. How often have you observed friends and family members and wished they thought enough of themselves to stop hurting themselves? Yes that feeling, apply it to yourself.

Right now I’ve moved back into the present, appreciating where I am, realising that we can help Amie, and stopped trying to put everything right for everyone. I’ve stepped back into who I am, and away from who I should be, and I’m moving on from there. Old hang-ups are a pain in the…mind.

Best love

Deb xx