Let me begin by saying that this isn’t going to be a grim or upsetting blog. I won’t be dwelling on bad memories, illness, or funerals. It’s a purely emotional blog but not a tear stained one.
It’s difficult
I decided to start with the patently obvious, but in truth this isn’t obvious, and difficult doesn’t begin to discover it. It stops your world instantly, from that moment nothing will ever be the same again. That doesn’t mean it won’t be good, it will, and our loved ones would want that as we know, it will just be different.
The first 6 months are not a time for big changes, life-changing decisions, or doing too much. They’re a time of absorption of the sheer size of this change, rest, family and/or good friends, and maybe a holiday. Yes a holiday. A friend of mine lost her husband very young, she took herself on a holiday alone so that she could mourn him her way without upsetting the children or the wider family. She took time to get her head around it and it worked.
Whether you do this alone or as a family, it’s not a bad idea. Even if you don’t need to handle the loss in that way, a good holiday somewhere very different will give you time, space, and a few experiences to ease the loss a little.
Just remember that there are no rules, and no timeframes, there is no right way to handle it, and no wrong way. However, there may be massive fallout that no one copes with.
Pre and post
Leading up to a passing is a very hard time, and people don’t always react logically or reasonably. There can be a thing that everyone wants to do everything they can for that person, but no one can agree what the right thing is, so the arguments start. This loved one may also want to do something special in the time they have, and some family members will be supportive whilst others won’t. They’re just terrified of missing a moment.
People are also worried that they won’t have done enough, done everything right, made all the right decisions, that at this difficult time they will fail in some way. Every generation before you has felt exactly the same, the person you’re looking after probably understands exactly how you feel. This can lead to everyone wanting to be the decision maker, the sorter-outer, the first and last word. That leads to spectacular arguments when everyone else is feeling exactly the same.
If I don’t do everything I can brilliantly well I won’t be able to live with myself. I have to be close to them, do anything and everything they need. I have to get this right. Just ask them, then your decisions will be right. Ask the person together, what do they need from you. It’s harder when they can’t communicate, but if they can then they still know best.
So much will happen that isn’t logical, or even sensible, just remember you’re all in the same boat and none of you know how to manoeuvre it. As a Medium I’ve seen this so many times, and experienced it myself. Everyone gets upset because everyone is upset. We all expect each other to be reasonable, sensible, and logical, even though we can’t string two youthful thoughts together or find the house keys that are in our hand. Be easy on yourself and each other.
My parents’ passings were quite a wild ride in their way. My brother was so determined to do things properly and not let them down, that his beautiful wife had to remind him that he had a sister. He was just trying to help that’s all, and no we didn’t fall out. I have the benefit of my work to know it’s not worth it, everyone it doing their best.
I hope I’ve said some things that may be helpful at such an inexplicable time. I’ll leave you with a classic story about taking care of someone before they passed.
The dust-up over pineapple juice
My dad died of a series of strokes culminating in one that we knew was ‘it’. He was unconscious for several days, mum asked us to come up. The doctor had told her that the weekend would be the right time. So we duly made our way from Wiltshire to South London, only to find an extremely embarrassed mother. After 5 days unconscious he’d come round that morning. In a way I’m not surprised, he would have made every effort for his family and if she told me and he heard…
So, the stroke affected his throat so that he couldn’t swallow, and the nurse suggested that we got some kind of natural juice to turn it into ice cubes that he could suck. We agreed on pineapple as he loved them.
A glint appeared in my husband’s eye. This was something he could do for my dad. We were off to the supermarket immediately if not sooner to get the pineapple juice and something to make ice cubes in. However, and I still remember my feeling of ‘oh Lord no!’ at the time, there was a matching glint in my mother’s eye. She had been wanting to be the one, the everything, she did everything, controlled everything, drove him nuts, but she did it for exactly the reasons I’ve described above, which can be quantified as enormous love and absolute heartbreak.
Mum said she would get the juice the next day. Hubby said we would get the juice now. Mum said no. Hubby said I’m driving so we are. We did. I was afraid a scrap would break out over the make, but they coped well. Hubby was muttering to me that my dad had to have everything he needed instantly, something that touched my heart. Mum was muttering that she ought to be doing this, which made me want to shake her and tell her that we were capable of doing something for him. As I said, not the time to act on your feelings.
Fortunately my work meant that I just said “You do everything for dad, you’ve been wonderful, this is one thing Tony can do, and he feels he’s helping you too.” I was pleased with that last bit. It worked because they’re both reasonable, and if you loved my dad you were good people in mum’s eyes.
I hope this has brought at least a small smile to your face if you’re going through a hard time like this. Just remember, no one handles it well, and you will be okay. Other generations have learned to cope, you will too.
Huge hugs
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 