I know I’ve used this image before, but I love it, and it reflects the subject matter of communication snafu’s.
One of the things humans either take for granted, don’t think through properly, and generally mess up, is communication. Especially about difficult subjects.
Few of us enjoy being criticised or told we’re wrong, especially as we normally think we’re right, assuming that we are thinking, and any challenge to that wobbles our self-belief in a way that must be ruthlessly crushed at birth.
Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
In my book, which Hito is so beautifully displaying for me, I use this Law to illustrate problems with the trickier side of communication. The process is:
- Say what you want to say believing that you’re right.
- Receive an unwelcome reaction from someone else.
- Be stunned, angry, upset, tearful, homicidal, or all of the aforementioned.
- Feel aggrieved that life has treated you this way.
That’s obviously a bit simplistic/dramatic, but it’s also true. We open our mouths to deliver statements based on our understanding of life, only to discover that someone else doesn’t see it our way.
That happens everywhere, in every type of relationship, and the opportunities for confusion and misunderstanding on line are many and legendary.
What’s the answer
The answer is to think about the reaction we’re looking for before we open our mouths. We’re taught to work out what we need to say in our heads, but not always how to say it. We need to take into consideration:
- The setting in which we find ourselves.
- The nature of the relationship with the specific person or people.
- Their role in our life.
- Their understanding of their role in our life, and our understanding of theirs.
- That we don’t understand their past, their triggers, their drivers. Even if we may think we fully understand that’s unlikely to be true.
- As such the result may be completely unexpected and will be completely out of our control. Okay you can perhaps talk it down later, or maybe not.
- Self preservation.
Self Preservation?
Yes. This isn’t just about trying not to get hit, or screamed at, or inviting people to tell us they disagree in dramatic and unrepeatable language, it goes deeper.
Words can never be unsaid. They may be forgiven but they will always be hovering in the back of minds somewhere. If you know those really beautiful people who speak their truth, whose word you can rely on, and if they say they forgive you they will never mention it again, then you’re extremely lucky. But how many people have you see say they forgive and spend the next decade covertly reminding you of their hurt and shock? These people aren’t in the majority by a long chalk, but they do exist and you may not know that your boss is one of them.
No person is an island
More importantly, it can feel good to stand up for yourself and what you need but there may be other people involved. You may not like your in-laws but they are the only parents your other half will ever have. If your words tear them in two that isn’t good.
It may feel great to dump your useless family from a great height, with great glee, but this is something to be extremely cautious about (abuse excluded of course). People used to ask me if I loved my parents, our relationship was that troubled. I very wisely used to reply, because I just knew, that I wouldn’t know that until they passed away. Turned out I did, very much. It also turned out that the older me had a far deeper understanding of life than my younger hurt self, and although there are some things I still can’t get my head around, all in all they were good parents. Had I walked away and never looked back I would never have allowed maturity to teach me.
I repeat though, this comment does not cover any form of abuse.
It all boils down to
What kind of life do you want? You can fall out with people constantly, some people seem to thrive on that, or you can allow people to walk over you to keep the peace. Alternately, you can find a method of communication that suits you, choosing your words with care, seeking to get the best result for all concerned, and not burning any bridges unless time and experience tells you that you absolutely have to.
Sometimes that works, sometimes the other person just won’t let you win. We’ve all been there, and we all know these things, but one thing I’ve found from this method of living:
If I genuinely know I’ve done my best, if I haven’t lost my temper and lashed out verbally, if I haven’t allowed myself to be pushed into being someone I don’t want to be, then I can be more peaceful with myself when things do go wrong than I otherwise would. This has stopped hours of self-recrimination, worrying that I could have done better. Most of the time now I do.
Plus, most of the time things work out very well. Long may it last, but I will keep trying to ensure that it does.
To your happiness
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 