Do you care for me?
I mean me
Not some figment of your mind
A construction of your need
Me
As I am
A human person
With the right to be as human
As everyone else
With foibles
And unwise wording
And differing beliefs
Am I okay as I am
Or only when I’m agreeing?
Am I nice if I say yes
But deeply suspect if I say no?
Am I a good person
Until I have one wobble?
Even if you may not know the cause
Or want to understand
No matter what you think
Or feel
Or want
This is the only real me
I am a sum total of my life
Much of which you haven’t shared
There are things you don’t know
Things I don’t understand
So how can you judge me?
I have been shaped in ways
That often puzzle me
I am a defensive expert
But I’ve never mastered the art of attack
Thank goodness
I mainly retreat
Because I don’t connect to unkindness
Who am I to change you?
To even require change?
No one
Who are you to change me?
To even require me to change?
No one
But I am the only one
Who can save me
When you’re hurting me
And the only one who will
So when I walk away
It isn’t because you’re not valuable
Or likeable
Far from it
It’s because there’s another emotional bullet heading my way
And if I want to stay sane
And continue to thrive
It’s better to
Duck and Run
Deb Hawken
August 2021
I'm a writer, public speaker, medium, and spiritual thinker. I suffered from acute anxiety from the age of 16 until I was well into my 50s, after fearlessly exploring many ideas, philosophies, and tools, I finally found methods that helped me return my mind to a better normal. One of the things I hated about anxiety was the way people treated me like a fool or a problem, I have two degrees and I'm a (much) retired black belt, my IQ is decent, but I constantly felt like a complete idiot, something that was exacerbated by never feeling like the real me. The girl who could laugh endlessly about the smallest things, and had a real excitement about what life had to offer her. I didn't need anyone else to tell me I wasn't 'right', I knew that better than anyone. My mission now is to support people suffering as I did with a message of support with what they're going through, tools and ideas that might help, and a strong message of hope for the future. At 63, which I am at the time of writing, many people I know are in a rut, yet having beaten anxiety I'm now doing more with my life than I ever did when I was struggling just to get up in the morning, let alone face the day. It's a wonderful feeling - so the main message is that it doesn't matter how long you've been struggling or what age you are, when you beat anxiety you will get an entirely new lease of life - and that's fantastic at any age. On a personal note I'm married to my soul mate, we have 5 cats, and I live in the middle of the UK. I follow a number of fantastic thinkers, as it's important to immerse yourself in healthy thinking as often as you can, I'm a Toastmaster and professional public speaker, and I keep life simple and encourage my clients to do the same, and my friends.
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Deb Hawken 