The Killing Field

I catch his eye across the room,
He catches mine; well that’s just grand.
The music’s blaring all around,
Modern time; old fashioned band.
He walks this way, I wait and see,
I think he wants to dance with me.
I ask his name.  I tell him mine.
He wants to dance, 
I will, this time.

We dance a time, or two, or three.
He says he really fancies me.
He wants to see me, just once more.
He smiles his smile, I know the score.
The music slides to its conclusion,
The outcome is complete confusion.
I wouldn’t mind another date,
But his hands are telling me it’s late.

We meet again a week on Tuesday,
He wines me, dines me, tries his luck.
I tell him I am not that easy,
I can’t be bought with crisp roast duck.
He sighs with simulated passion,
Implies my charms just make him weak.
I say we’ll meet again on Wednesday,
And make it clear I mean next week.

We’ve now been dating for a lifetime,
Of sulking, moaning, biting pain,
And calculated cold rejection
That numbs my mugged and tired brain.
His eyes are guns with icy bullets,
His words are knives that lacerate.
He thinks he’s trapped by someone needy,
That misconception seals his fate.

I won’t take part in warfare-romance,
Sealed with words of gift-wrapped hate.
Nor accept a man as judge and jury,
A single soul to name my fate.
I may, one day, with some sweet stranger,
Allow my tender side to yield,
But my heart will never be a beacon,
To illuminate the killing field.

Deb Hawken

Published by debdancingstarhawken7

I'm a writer, public speaker, medium, and spiritual thinker. I suffered from acute anxiety from the age of 16 until I was well into my 50s, after fearlessly exploring many ideas, philosophies, and tools, I finally found methods that helped me return my mind to a better normal. One of the things I hated about anxiety was the way people treated me like a fool or a problem, I have two degrees and I'm a (much) retired black belt, my IQ is decent, but I constantly felt like a complete idiot, something that was exacerbated by never feeling like the real me. The girl who could laugh endlessly about the smallest things, and had a real excitement about what life had to offer her. I didn't need anyone else to tell me I wasn't 'right', I knew that better than anyone. My mission now is to support people suffering as I did with a message of support with what they're going through, tools and ideas that might help, and a strong message of hope for the future. At 63, which I am at the time of writing, many people I know are in a rut, yet having beaten anxiety I'm now doing more with my life than I ever did when I was struggling just to get up in the morning, let alone face the day. It's a wonderful feeling - so the main message is that it doesn't matter how long you've been struggling or what age you are, when you beat anxiety you will get an entirely new lease of life - and that's fantastic at any age. On a personal note I'm married to my soul mate, we have 5 cats, and I live in the middle of the UK. I follow a number of fantastic thinkers, as it's important to immerse yourself in healthy thinking as often as you can, I'm a Toastmaster and professional public speaker, and I keep life simple and encourage my clients to do the same, and my friends.

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