I Was Observed

What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done when no one was watching?

The bravest thing I’ve done was to face down severe acute anxiety for over 40 years undiagnosed. Then to refuse tablets and keep facing it down.

Tablets don’t cure acute anxiety, you have to take steps to repair your mental health. Don’t underestimate the power of meditation as part of that process. Or Joe Dispenza.

My father struggled with his mental health for many years in the days when he was an idiot, not desperately unwell. He had an incredibly good reason for breaking.

Louise Hay went into this in You Can Heal Your Life. A girl is predisposed to look to her father for strength and protection, later her husband. My father had severe acute anxiety. He was obsessed by illness.

I was exactly the opposite, I never thought about it, but because I idolised him his stresses became mine. I had 40 terrified years of fearing my body, and not a day’s illness. It was awful, to be so fortunate and not able to trust it.

My first husband was a frightened man. This one is not, it’s made a huge difference.

The only issue with him is he’s so protective that sometimes you have to sit on him. To get to me you have to come through him first and he’s going to stop you.

I was going to focus on my recent health experiences, and then I realised I’ve been being brave since I was six. Hanging on even then when my family life fell apart.

Just waking up to another day of my mind was hell. Eyes open, and there was the fear.

With anxiety it doesn’t matter whether anyone is watching or not, sufferers are fighting every single waking moment of the day. Tablets only mask it. Changing who you are is the only real cure.

I’m much changed.

So I was observed all the time. Laughed at. Eyes rolling. Snickers behind the back (the sarcastic kind rather than a chocolate bar, which is an outrage!) Yet I’m still standing.

All bravery is brave. Whatever you’ve faced down makes a hero of you. But please God don’t beat yourself up when you can’t cope.

However ‘small’ you or others think your problem is, it’s your problem, it’s affecting you, and you’re doing your best. It’s no one else’s business. I was fortunate that I never had any violence in my life. That’s a whole other level of hell if you’ve experienced it. Don’t pretend it isn’t.

As I indicated, I hate the saying above. How can it be false evidence when a hungry bear is chasing you? How can the anxiety be false when you’ve been a victim of violence, rape, abuse. Dragged down by a bully boss?

If you break your leg everyone gets it, if your mind breaks you can be made to feel like an idiot. Yet that mind broke for a reason. The experience of violence is sudden, the experience of anxiety and depression is cumulative, you only break when you’re already seriously compromised and have been for years. Either is awful.

So that false evidence…

Best love as always

Amorah – Deb