For Whom?

Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

I’ve never thought about this so I’m going to work through it.

• I hear that boundaries are healthy, but as a child you can’t set them with your parents and elders. As such it’s important that parents set boundaries of their behaviour to protect their children. Childhood damage leads to difficulty in setting boundaries. So we need to start here.

• When you set your boundaries don’t forget other peoples’ unknown experiences. What upsets one person may make no sense to another, so you can set boundaries and land up with baffled people around you. You think they don’t care, they don’t understand. We have to listen to each other.
• I get the concept of boundaries but not the execution of them. My hubby and I have trampled all over each other’s emotions at times, which will happen when life gets in the way. I didn’t understand the damage of his past, abandoned at 16. He didn’t understand mine, constant mental abuse that didn’t show on the outside. We did our best but both are inexplicable. However, the relationship is way stronger than that. We sort it out. In the right relationship you don’t have boundaries, you love each other and you work together to become a unit. The last thing you want is a boundary.

Those are my first reactions.

Second phase

One question I have is: if you set boundaries do you keep to them or do you keep making excuses not to action them? They didn’t mean it. They were having a bad day. The job pays well.

If you set a boundary, mean it. Act on it.

But…

Folks are human, does a boundary have to be one strike and you’re out, three strikes and you’re out, or 42 strikes and don’t make me tell you again!

When you’re dealing with humans boundaries can be hard to act on. Emotional conflicts abound. I’m pretty sure that Tony and I have put up with more from each other than we would from anyone else. But then he’s special and he says I am too, just not quite sure how he means it, there’s always a twinkle behind it. 😉🤣🤔

When you’re dealing with children the boundaries can be clear, but do the little beggars test those boundaries and you land up more stressed trying to enact them? Kids have a way of wheedling for just one more game! And parents repeat the oft used phrase: okay just this once.

“45 once’s – result!”

With leaves me where on this subject to which I’ve never given a second thought, or a first one?

Hmm…

The guide

• Everyone is unique so re-draw your boundaries each time.
• Learn from the past don’t just talk about it!
• If you truly love someone all logic will fly out of the window on a regular basis.
• If you’re raising children create boundaries that prevent you gifting them your ancestral angst, or blanket family rules. Don’t apply your rules to them. I’ll give you a good example of this. I needed to go to bed early. My brother had a miserable childhood because he didn’t need the sleep, he was also terrified of being alone. So mum sat upstairs with him from 7 pm until about 10 pm every night. We needed different boundaries.
• Explain your boundaries don’t expect others to automatically know them. The respect with which they’re received will tell you a lot about a person.
• Finally…Life changes all the time and so will your needs, flex with it don’t stick to a boundary for 50 years because you’ve always had it. That has caused me a certain amount of discomfort in recent times.

No conclusion

Life isn’t black and white, folks are different, the same circumstances can be different. A bad boss can leave. You can react to the same treatment in different ways. You can change, and surprise yourself. I have this year. I’m 69.

So, best advice?

Be a strong, centred, quietly confident person who doesn’t need any boundaries. Trust yourself to know, in any given situation, what is the right thing for you, and know that you will act on that. Boundaries are not necessary if you know and trust yourself, and treat yourself like your own best friend.

In short: be your own best friend and go out and adventure with life!

Best love

Amorah – Deb