Sadness – Don’t Panic!

Do you need a break? From what?

I have done a lot of inner work over the years. I had a difficult childhood emotionally, a deeply flawed family, a toxic first marriage, and of course I got caught up in it all. I escaped but it has taken a lot of work.

Nowadays I meditate, not as regularly as I should, but I do and it’s amazing. I still manage at least four sessions a week.

When you meditate and relax the mind realisations surface, but because you’re nicely relaxed they’re not troubling. You kind of examine them like a fly in aspic, turning them around in your mind – “Oh that makes sense” – then calmly release them.

Beware of the obvious

When I first started trying to heal my mind, my mentor described it as peeling away the layers of an onion. I once commented rather caustically “exactly how many onions?”, but then my life was emotionally screwed up. Extremely so I now realise.

I was also taught that I came last. You please everyone else, do as you’re told. As you may imagine that is not a recipe for good mental health. It’s as exhausting recipe for hanging on by the skin of your teeth, with sheer pig-headed determination.

Yet I am by default a happy person who appreciates the smallest joy or improvement in life and does not need much to make her happy. Good health, hubby, cats, friends, enough money. I also have some lovely family members now, especially as I inherited a daughter.

What I learned this week was that my mental health issues weren’t driven by the emotion I thought they were.

Yes I had acute anxiety, which didn’t stop me doing anything, it was my bugbear not my ruler, but it was driven by sadness and I had no idea. I never felt like a sad person.

Liberation week

One you know the clarity is amazing. The understanding allows you to let go.

I wrote “Don’t Panic” because these revelations are freeing, but when they first surface it can feel frightening.

As you realise that you’ve carried this and you’re still functioning, plus it’s old stuff, you can take the knowledge and consign the rest to the past where it belongs.

You can’t forget the past, it would literally take a brain injury to erase a memory, and you don’t want that.

I find that weird thought comforting because I’ve worked in a neuro-rehabilitation unit and I’m grateful for every single memory I have.

You can, however, recognise the truth of the cliche that the past cannot be changed, add to it the recognition that it didn’t defeat you, and move on lighter for the understanding you’ve reached.

As I am.

Best love

Amorah – Deb

P.S. in the past I’ve felt that although I share inspiration based on my experience, much of it was sad and I was worried that the blogs were heavy. There is a completely different energy behind this blog due to this realisation. I hope it comes through to the reader as clearly as it has to me. There is absolutely no sadness in this blog. 💖