Do You Want Help or Attention?

This is one of the most important questions to answer in life, but it’s not a question to beat yourself up with.

It may feel that way, but the reason it isn’t lies in the question, and goes to quality and effectiveness of the help and support you receive. Most importantly to be clear what you’re asking for.

Let’s take it apart.

Attention

But not deliberately seeking attention, the problem is far more subtle than that; it has its roots in the helper, in power, and in money.

You, the person in need, are only a small part of this equation, even though you ought to be the most important part, but that comes down to how you view things and how aware you are.

The helper has needs too:

• To be helpful
• To be needed
• To empower
• To be successful
• To make good money
• To feel good about themselves
• To find out who you are and support that

You can see how some of those things can make the needs of the helper the strongest thing in the room. To empower who?

I know people who have bravely gone for counselling only to come out several hundred pounds lighter with the feeling that the only person who benefitted was the counsellor.

It can also take a while to find the help that helps.

Help

Help to what? That is the key question.

Moving to solutions, it’s up to you to be clear what you need and why you’re asking in the first place.

What you really want to achieve and whether you’re fully focused on achieving it?

Working that out will make sure that a) you need help, and b) you will find actual help not just support and attention.

There is nothing wrong with needing gentle support and someone to give you their time and focus, nothing at all, as long as you’re certain that’s what you need, and why.

One example that makes me question

Slimming groups.

We all know that the yo-yo diet is common. Go to a group, lose lots of weight, reach your goal, I’ll just have a pizza as a reward.

One year later back to the slimming group with several stone to lose.

Those groups can be a great help, with really dedicated team leaders who understand the issue, who care deeply. But what I’ve observed is that these groups do not always help people to become slim in their mind and habits. It can be a quick high, followed by a slow crash, and repeat.

So is the group helping or providing attention? Certainly from how hard people work the intention all round is to help and improve health and mobility. But if the underlying problem isn’t cleared…?

The figure for maintaining significant weight loss over a number of years is 20%. A slightly higher number of people who go it alone maintain the weight loss. These figures also cover people who seek medical assistance.

I’ve seen too many people struggle with this not to have questions. Including one person who was terrified of needles yet stuck to a weight loss injection programme for two years, after which normal service resumed. The courage that person showed for no long-term gain was heartbreaking.

The courage it takes to lose multiple stones or kilograms in weight to go back to the way you were, and try again, is immense, and I’ve seen how demoralising it all of when you start piling the weight back on.

Not when you’re receiving all the certificates of success of course, but when you’re alone with yourself again.

This comes under the heading of attention not help. The underlying issue has not been addressed. For one, why can a skinny person eat a huge meal, dessert, a small snack afterwards, then chocolate, plus maybe some wine or beer, and still look like a stick insect when they wake up; yet another person puts on three pounds just looking at a bar of chocolate?

The underlying why of the problem needs identifying and solving. The diet in itself can often be a temporary answer.

Definition and awareness

The slimming thing is only one issue to consider, but it’s a very clear and well known one, so useful.

Whatever you’re trying to put right in your life you have three key questions to consider:

1. What is the problem? When it comes to weight it could be metabolism, intolerances, lack of exercise, or addiction and comfort eating. Identifying the real cause of anything is key.
2. Is this problem emotional more than practical? If you realise it is an emotional problem, damage from the past, lack of self-worth, then approach someone from the viewpoint of healing the mind before you try to work on anything else.
3. Do you truly want to change? Because whatever the problem is it must be you that changes, not the problem. You will need to become the person who does not have that problem.

To return to the question

Know the difference between help and attention. Be aware of your exact needs. Be mindful while you’re working through whatever it is, whether your choice is meeting your needs. Not short- term feeling good, long-term effective solutions that you can maintain.

We all slip back at times, I’ve met myself coming back more than once, as we say in the UK to indicate overwhelm and loss of direction.

The bullet points are

• Change for the better requires a great deal of thought and awareness.
• Don’t feel bad about your needs, you’ll only get this right if you’re honest with yourself. You have the right to feel as you feel.
• Don’t judge yourself, you’ve done the best you can.
• Solve the problem by finding the cause.
• Make sure the path you’re taking is meeting your true needs not papering over the cracks.
• Don’t be afraid to walk away from anyone or anything that is causing the problem.
• Don’t be afraid to walk away from anyone or anything that is not solving your problem.
• Don’t allow an emotional connection with whomever is helping you to cloud the fact that you’re not being helped.
• Eyes open, ears open, trust your feelings.
• Remember, no prop will save you, commitment to change will.

Best love

Amorah – Deb