Never Waste a Negative Thought

Your greatest teacher

Rather than ignore your negativity, pretend it doesn’t exist, gloss over your feelings, be seen to be doing fabulously even when you’re wreckage inside, pay attention!

Every negative thought is telling you what’s wrong, it’s trying to get you to listen to your mind and heart, it’s asking you to think enough of yourself to create change, end problems, take action.

The image above describes a situation that many of us have been in, complete lack of self-worth having been beaten back by situations we should never have been in, and people would should never have been with.

This person has lost sight of herself amongst the words and actions of others. She has defined herself by their unkindness, anger, and whether she succeeded or failed. Had she sat down and written down exactly why she was upset, had she given her genuine feelings the proper respect, she probably wouldn’t be sitting there now.

I lost my confidence when my ex turned my entire family and all but three friends against me. I lost it in the face of bully bosses, sexual harassment, friends who betrayed me. I thought I was worthless, when I look back I know one thing, I could never have treated people the way they treated me. Had I realised that my self respect would have remained in place.

Had I listed out what had been said and done to me, it wouldn’t have taken me five seconds to throw my pen down and ask myself “why on earth are you anywhere near these people?” I would have seen how shocking the behaviour was, the spite, the inappropriate behaviour no teenager should have been subjected to, that what I called a family were happy enough to walk away and leave me alone.

If I had written it out, and taken time to stop and think.

Do yourself the respect of listening to you

Don’t take feeling unhappy as evidence of your stupidity or unworthiness. Don’t take betrayal as a reflection on you. Don’t put up with bullying and sexual harassment for any reason whatsoever. Never think you’re not as good as a bully or sexual predator, you’re better than them.

If you’ve made a mistake, don’t think you’re stupid, you have making mistakes in common with over 7 billion people on this planet, it’s part of the human condition. You’re normal.

How you got into that mistake is important (so that you don’t do it again), but how fast you move away from the results and forward into a better life is far more important. Only taking notice of your feelings, reflecting on your actions, working out when you should have stepped away, will give you the information you need to take action, and what action to take.

As such:

Never be one of those people who worries more about not being positive than caring about getting themselves back on track and into a better relationship, job, or situation.

Those people are not sensible.

However…

It’s one thing to sit down with a journal, be honest with yourself, work through your feelings, and then use them as fuel for positive change. It’s another to feel negative all the time and not be able to lift yourself out of it.

At bad times that is expected, feeling that way all the time is not right. Never hesitate to seek help when you’re not coping, either from a trusted friend or a professional. Too many people worry about admitting they need help, particularly with the mind, it can feel embarrassing to realise that you’ve messed up your life, broken your mind, or both. Guess how I know?

When I saw my counsellor I said as much, he looked at me and said “Why do you think it takes so long to get an appointment with me? You’re not alone.” Remember that. If you were the only one there would be no mental health support industry. Or divorce lawyers.

The big stuff

When it comes to a death in the family, redundancy, divorce/separation, first you need not to categorise your feelings as negative. They’re nothing to do with that, yet so many people apologise for crying, being upset, not being able to cope. Don’t do that to yourself.

These things have to be stepped through by giving yourself time, especially a loss, and that includes pets. No one ever teaches us how to handle it, it wouldn’t work anyway, because each passing brings about a unique experience and reaction. When you’ve experienced your first lost you may think “ah I know how to do that now”, and the next one will knock you sideways in a totally different way. Time, space, rest, friends, family, and emotional support if necessary, are the only ways to nurture yourself through to your new future.

All the things above are known as death experiences, because life changes in a moment. One life you had stops and another begins. So don’t underestimate losing your job, or leaving a relationship. They’re obviously not as bad as a passing, but the effect can still be devastating.

As you may have gathered, when I broke up my first marriage almost my entire life died, all I had left were two cats and three loyal friends. Friends become awkward, they don’t know how to cope with the split, they often take sides. You’ll get through it, given time, but it’s important not to underestimate these things and allow yourself to feel the difficult ones.

The really important thing

Difficult times create difficult emotions, difficult does not mean negative, most of the time it means ‘a completely natural reaction to a specific set of circumstances’. Keeping a journal at these times can help, but not always.

When it comes to moaning your head off about work, your colleagues, your partner, life, the universe and everything, that’s a real wake up call to take a good hard look at your life and take action. As soon as you start to moan warning bells should sound in your head, take notice immediately, work out what’s wrong, what you need to do, and do it.

It’s one thing to have a completely natural negative reaction, it’s another to allow it to continue while you bore yourself witless talking about it, and drive yourself mad thinking about it.

That’s why what people call the negative voice really needs to be your best friend, early warning system, and escape route.

Don’t let people shame you into being falsely positive, you’ll pay the price, they won’t.

Your feelings are real and valid for you. No one else needs to approve.

Best love

Amorah – Deb