Never!

Are you holding a grudge? About?

Never let what someone else did poison the rest of your life. Give no one that power.

The ultimate success is to move completely past that person and event by learning from it, and using it to ensure such a thing never happens again.

That way if you ever meet the person who hurt you again, you can thank them for the valuable lesson and making you less willing to accept poor treatment.

Stay out of the past

You’ve heard the old cliches, the past is over, the past cannot be changed. They’re true. The past no longer exists. You can only find out if you revisit it in your mind and recreate the stories.

If you live in the past you will constantly suffer from the past. Why on earth would anyone stay there? Why would anyone keep thinking back and reaching back to bad events, spiteful behaviour, hurt?

Because our mind training is exceptionally bad

We’re not taught to control and direct the mind, yet it is the most powerfully weapon in our lives. It can make or break us.

You have a choice how you use it

Before you give me a dozen reasons why that’s not true, I know what an out of control mind feels like. I had severe acute anxiety for over 40 years, starting in the day and age that it wasn’t diagnosed; I was just a nervous wreck. It took over 20 years to discover that I wasn’t mad or stupid I was ill. The people around me were causing it.

But you have the means to fight back

Rather like a gun which you can use to kill or for target shooting for fun, your mind can be used to destroy or create. Unless you have a disliked mental health condition, access maybe even then, you can retrain your mind to help you.

So…

Focus your power

I can’t offer advice to people who are neurodivergent because I just don’t understand, and will not pretend that I do. However, I can offer a few pointers that might help those struggling with the kind of hurt and anger the past can deliver.

• If you have been the victim of a vicious assault, or someone in your family has, it sounds far too glib to say don’t let it poison the rest of your life. I’ve seen the effects in a close family member, so I have empathy. However, that repulsive creature should not have power over your life. It’s the one thing they can’t take from you. “Living well is the best revenge”. Take it.
• Living in the past isn’t healthy, we all miss the good times but we don’t need to live in the bad ones, the sad ones. If I lose a loved one or pet I immediately get out my favourite photograph of them, and I sit with it and start bringing back only the good memories. That may help you to smile every time you think of them.
• Healing takes time, allow the time, allow the tears, allow the anger, but remember that your loved ones will want your happiness. Another cliche? Yes. But if it was you who had left this world what would you want for them?
• Practice being in the present, thinking in the present. This is where you create your future. As an extraordinarily wise being once told me: in the now focus on the future you want to create. Will this decision bring me close to what I want, or future away?
• Map out the future you want. Be as creative as you wish; do a vision board. If you’re a person of the word write it down. Get very clear what you want.
• Watch for the accidental negatives. It’s so easy to write something down you think you want, but if it’s followed by a negative thought such as “of course that won’t happen for me” you need to look at that. Are you limiting yourself, or do you actually not want that in your heart?
• Ultimately, if you can create a great future, the past will lose its power.

So, no grudges, no giving away your power, a strong focus on as much happiness as you can create, realising that everyone deserves a happy life. That includes you.

And never forget:

When asked what Enlightenment was, the Buddha said it was happiness.

If you want to be really super-wise be happy!

Best love

And I hope that you guys aren’t holding grudges. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be beaten!

Deb xx