True Love

True love is concept that we’re raised to believe in, actively seek, and are often disappointed by. Why is this?

Why can we meet someone we think is the one and they turn out not to be. Then we break up, move on, meet someone else, and ditto. Often landing up believing that true love doesn’t exist, we’re not worthy of it, or both. Why do we make mistake after mistake, yet go into the relationship with our whole hearts determined to make it work.

The answer is simple.

Lack of self-love

Yep that old cliché, except like most clichés it’s actually a very sensible home truth.

If you don’t love and respect yourself you will accept treatment than undermines you. You will except being hurt, maybe even abused or beaten. You will accept being put second behind work, family, hobbies. When someone speaks badly to you, you will put it down to their mood, a hard day at work, and you will put up with it.

The more you put up with bad treatment the longer it continues,
and often it escalates.

Whereas if you do love and respect yourself you will nip any and all unacceptable treatment in the bud from the outset, and walk away if you’re not listened to and nothing changes.

This of course applies to all relationships from friendship, to that with your children, your family, and your boss at work.

Do speak up for yourself, do respect yourself enough to do so, and do watch out for lip service: “Oh darling I’m so sorry, just a bad day”. “Well how come you’ve had so many bad days?”

The past nipping at your heels

Can make this difficult. If you were abused as a child, emotionally abused as I was by my ex, then feeling that you’re worth while can be difficult if not impossible. But only you can change that.

A few ideas to get you started

• If you have suffered abuse, I’m sure you will agree that no one deserves that. Recognise that this means you as well.
• Think of yourself as someone who met a very bad person, rather than someone who deserves bad treatment. Someone who didn’t love themselves enough at the time to walk away, but has learned that lesson now, then look for the nearest exist.
• Do you agree that everyone deserves courtesy and respect? If you do, again remember that means you. Apply those beliefs to yourself.
• If you find, as I did, that you’ve become a person you don’t recognise, you can change that. I looked in the mirror one day and was shocked at what I’d become. A me I didn’t even recognise. I actually shocked a counsellor by saying that I didn’t like me, he said I couldn’t say that, I said I could because I wasn’t me. I won that argument. Here’s what I did:
• I decided on a me I could like. Someone who cared for others, who had integrity and empathy, who liked to laugh and have fun. I worked exactly who I wanted to be and I created that. If there was a collection at work, I did it. If someone had lost a loved one I looked after them. I was carefully and respectfully honest, and very firm when I explained why that kind of treatment wouldn’t fly. I not only changed me, somehow I bonded all the warring people at the place where I worked, and we became an absolutely wonderful team. My arch enemy gave me the most wonderful compliment I’ve ever received: You have turned yourself into a truly nice person. That was what I wanted. I continued to build from there. In other words:
• I turned my back on my past and I defined myself. I had to draw a line because frankly my family upbringing was a disaster. I had to turn my back on a family member I love with all my heart, because they simply would not release the toxicity of the past and I just could not take it anymore. I had to put to one side everything my ex said, and build a new relationship with me first, before I put everything else right.
• Oddly it’s easy. It’s done by drawing a line across your life, stepping over it, and asking yourself ‘who am I?’ You’ll find that you do know. You do recognise the behaviours that upset you, those of yourself and others, and you know exactly what you want to change. Go to your heart, the heart knows. The heart is the seat of love.

Rebuild yourself from a place of love

It can’t fail. Is this loving yes/no? Decision made. Is this decent and kind yes/no? Decision made. Is this fair to me yes/no? Decision made. You get the drift.

Never make change complex and difficult

That will just hold you back, make it difficult, and you’ll probably give up. My actual guidance word for my life is kindness, you might find that better. Just remember one vital thing, and I cannot stress this strongly enough:

People will laugh at you and put you down if you’re kind, you need a backbone of steel in this world to hold the line for decency and respect.

So what if they do, the more unpleasant they are to you the more you will know you’re right. I stand by who I am and I don’t give a toss what trolls and bullies think. I know who I’d rather be. Me.

Best love

Amorah – Deb