How to Not Age

I am not sacrificing my youthfulness on the altar of common sense

Amorah – Deb

There are rules about ageing and few of them are appealing.

One being that the body has to act its age and fall apart. You also have to develop more wrinkles than a hundred year old elephant. Then apply more creams than there is paint on the Forth Bridge, to help fill in the cracks and hold back time.

You must say things like “in my day”, when actually it’s still ‘your day’, you’re very fortunate to be alive today and some of what’s happening is much better.

Rolling your eyes and muttering “the youth of today” in despairing terms is a must, even if you don’t know anyone younger than 50.

Conversations should be centred around aches, pains, your cranky knees and the state of your hips.

You may even have to accept that to the state you’ve paid for, for the past forty years, you are now a burden, and the younger generations won’t even have considered who paid for their schooling, medical care, and dentistry!

Rebel yell

Enough of that. All of the above is pure propaganda, fake news, and total garbage. Unworthy of our time and attention.

What you think about you bring about, so start by thinking like a healthy 20 year old. Mentally model yourself on a cross between a ballet dancer and an athlete, with a few hours lifting weights thrown in.

Obviously be cautious about the whole dancing, prancing, lifting, bending and stretching thing. You could spifflicate something, and that’s just embarrassing and unnecessary.

Focusing on good thoughts is the rule, so forget all the mental decline codswallop. Focus on how you want to be, with the commitment of a fighter pilot flying towards a mountain at Mach 4 – during a snowstorm!

Always carry a small flask of whisky with you. Do not be tempted to drink it. However, should you be silly enough to fall over something – preferably a naked person half your age, sunbathing on a nudist beach – quickly grab your whisky, swill a tiny bit around your mouth, and claim you were drunk.

If teenagers can get drunk and fall over, you can too.

You do not forget names ever! If you’re asked about that actor in the film with the actor who started off their career in that famous sitcom, by someone who can’t remember any of the details, just say “oh them, I never liked them in anything”. Then move the conversation to safer ground, like the appalling price of tea, or the absentmindedness of the youth of today.

When it comes to technology claim it bores you. You’ve been using it for decades and can’t be bothered with it anymore. You are not afraid of tech, you were a pioneer when you had to know how to programme computers yourself! They bore you nowadays.

Do not say that you don’t need a mobile phone because all your friends are dead (and you don’t want your family to be able to track you). Tell people they’re insane to even consider having such a security risk anywhere near them!

Throw in a few fake statistics with absolute conviction, mention hackers, then walk away in disgust. Shocked by their attempt to convince someone with your knowledge and expertise on all things technologically criminal, to be so irresponsible.

Never mention a Prime Minister or President going back more than 25 years. That not only dates you, it will bring back bad memories that no one needs to recall.

Teeth can age you, so either get a good dentist, good falsies, or don’t smile!

If your eyesight goes tell everyone it was due to too much time spent on a computer watching porn. If you’re long sighted claim it was eye strain caused by using strong telescopes to look for proof of alien life.

Throw in a few stories about freezing fields at 3 am, and Vulcans not being green blooded, and you’ll be a legend in your own lifetime.

If your hearing goes wear AirPods and apologise that you were listening to a podcast. Something complicated such as the dissolution of the archetypal societal patterns of the early Monolithic period. That will make sure they’re too bored to ask questions. That or your sinuses are blocked.

I have hereditary hearing loss and merely mention that I’m Blue-toothed in. My parents have a lot to answer for in that arena, but I’ve managed to modernise it.

If you forget your address whip out that whisky flask again and go to the nearest pub. Call someone who can remember where you live to come and get you. That would be on your secret burner phone that no one knows you have.

Do not be ‘down’ with the latest speak, its a dead giveaway. Claim it’s an affront to the King’s English of which you have appointed yourself a fierce protector.

If you forget something at the supermarket claim you didn’t fancy it when you got there, or the loo roll was that rough stuff that’s like sandpapering your delicates with powdered shrapnel.

Nothing, no matter what, is anything whatsoever to do with age.

It’s your story

Your life really is what your thoughts make it. So approach old age with complete indifference, and utter disbelief that it’s possible to be older than 40. I’m currently forty-twenty-eight and proud of it.

If you want to live long and prosper, act young, think younger, focus on the living long and prospering. Importantly, never ever be caught in the incontinence aisle of a chemists, or wearing thermal undergarments.

Acting your age is overrated. Acting up is fun.

Eternal youth is built on attitude, and never admitting your real age.

If asked my grandmother always said 99, on the grounds that she clearly wasn’t 21 anymore, and whatever age people guessed she’d just say they were wrong.

Hope I’ve given you a good giggle and a list of useful excuses to future proof you.

Best love kids

Deb xx