Faith

My family history is not a happy one, it was until I was seven, but after that it really wasn’t. I won’t go into it further, except to say that there was never any abuse, it was all emotional.

I used to refer to myself as 3/10 could do better; no matter how hard I tried. That’s followed me all my life.

Then I found support

One thing I’ve never understood until now is why I took myself off to church when I was 7, but it literally just occurred to me that I sought a better way, even though at that age I wouldn’t have had a conscious clue as to why I did it.

I went to my brother’s Christening, I liked it there, it felt right to go back so I did. Alone. Seven years old taking myself to church every Sunday, alone. What parent would allow that?

I could cope though. No child was harmed during the process, I found the support I needed. Just above the cross there was something beautiful and comforting hovering in the air.

I never doubted that connection, and I didn’t even notice that I lost it.

Adulthood is over-estimated

Yes I grew up. Moved on. Discovered that being an adult doesn’t mean you control your life. In fact I traveled like a leaf loose in the wind, without thought or direction. Responding to life rather than directing it. Believing who others said I was.

No wonder I lost myself. In fact I lost and found myself several times. It was tiring.

I didn’t realise what the loss of the church had done to me. I never lost faith in God, but I had nowhere to find that energy. It was that energy that supported me.

I know where it lives now though, inside, we’re part of it.

Have you seen this woman?

The odd thing is that it’s taken me 55 years to realise what faith is.

I still believe in God absolutely, I’ve never doubted that, I just feel it as truth. But I went on a complex journey trying to solve problems and create a happier me. Finding and dismissing several iterations of self-reconstruction.

I succeeded in creating something I was happy with and as, yet there was still something missing. It transpires that I’d found me, but not one key component that everyone needs.

I found it in a bookstore three weeks ago.

Living in two minds

Amos (my spirit guide) had been teaching me for a while that I was living in two minds. I had my personal beliefs, but then in the air all around me, bombarding me via the media, in magazines, on TV, were all the ideas that felt wrong to me that were supposed to be right.

• You’re only human (not true).
• You have no power.
• Everything you’re eating is bad for you (depending on who you’re listening to).
• You’re woke and stupid.
• Here’s a list of all the illnesses you can get.
• If you don’t do ten thousand steps a day it’s a disaster.
• As a woman you’re weaker and less logical (utter garbage).
• The world is going to implode at moment from war, climate change, and cows breaking wind!
• The Stratosphere will collapse and land on your head unless you can come up with another ice age really fast, The sun is going to explode, beware of solar flares, and what’s more Donald Trump hasn’t stopped the Ukraine war immediately or even so far.
• You’re not good enough.

You get the gist. I was trying to hold onto me amongst the utter chaos of this world, and it’s conflicting messages.

So many thoughts to fit in the same head, which is easy if you actually pick a side. I hadn’t.

One short sentence

Was all it took to change everything. I felt the shift inside as a physical thing. I felt amazing. Unfortunately I dipped into the book and haven’t found the exact sentence yet, but it was about faith.

Basically you won’t heal without faith

This isn’t just about physical healing though, or mental health, it’s about putting your life right in all aspects. If you don’t trust yourself it’s likely that you won’t bring about a strong outcome for whatever you’re trying to put right, or create.

But it’s deeper than trust, it’s faith in yourself that you know best for you.

Faith that you can create whatever you want. Standing firm when the world keeps telling you you’re not good enough, you’ll never succeed.

I lost that. Faith in God, if you believe, is one thing, but it’s hard for that faith to create change if you believe you’re unworthy, or too stupid. Ridiculous to feel that you can create whatever you want to create. I lost faith in me too.

If you don’t believe in a deity, you still need that faith in yourself, if you do believe, ditto.

If you don’t have it second-guessing yourself will be your new super-power. There are better achievements.

Wrapping up

Whatever word or term you want to use, self-belief being one, self-confidence another, to me faith seems to wrap every good attribute up into one simple idea:

I’m right for me

Something to think about. Pick one mind and stay in it. Listen to others, but don’t let many minds take root inside your head. You’ll be trying to operate as several different people at the same time access that can never work.

Choose your beliefs and have faith in your choices unless you get strong evidence to the contrary. If you do add to your knowledge and regroup.

Only one voice belongs in your head – that’s yours. Create a self you’re happy with, and have faith in you.

Best love

Deb – Amorah