Myself

What sacrifices have you made in life?

I wasn’t raised to put myself first. In fact to do your best or think you were a nice person were BIG sins in my family.

I was also raised very much in second place. I’ve gone into this in other blogs, so briefly, on two occasions men tried to get me in their cars. On the first my father wouldn’t even come out to get me, he made me walk home alone. On the second he was so unbothered by it I thought a friend of his might punch him, he was so stunned and angry.

When my brother was pushed off his bicycle by men in a car, dad was out that door like greased lightening. You can imagine how I felt.

Many of you reading this will have stories about how your childhood didn’t set you up to feel valued or worthy of success Maybe like me, success was not a concept of your childhood. Aiming for the stars would never have been thought of in our house.

People who go through this very rarely think of themselves as someone who would dare to dream, and they can carry on the pattern that they don’t matter, without even realising that they’re now the person holding them back and keeping them down.

That was me.

My biggest problem

Was that when something didn’t work for me, again, I was more likely to retire hurt because I was so used to it.

I had no fight left because I was exhausted by fighting to the point that getting out of bed was a real challenge.

Why would I get up to go through that again?

What was the point of testing something new. And yet…

Not once did I ever think such negative thoughts, I tried again.

So it was a surprise to realise that someone who had always been a positive thinker at heart, could have undermined themselves in that way. It happened because I didn’t know that…

The past only has the power you give it.

I didn’t realise that I was the keeper of my past, the person who kept acting on those thoughts I never had, and the ideas I never thought, and a reality that never existed. In my youth these things were not discussed. They were not ideas in suburban London.

Leave school, get job, work, retire.

However…

As a highly trained thinker…

Why did it keep going wrong?

I had spent years learning new thinking yet nothing fundamental changed. Just why?

The obvious answer is because I didn’t. The subtle answer was that the things I was learning were good, but two hitches were in play:

1. It was all quite complex, all these different and wonderful ideas rattling around in my head, regularly quoted, sincerely believed. It became overwhelming. I didn’t know I should build it into a cohesive belief system.
2. Knowledge without action is of limited use. You have to work with the knowledge, filtering it, creating a jigsaw puzzle that works for you.

It’s also important that what you’re doing feels right, makes sense to you at a heart level not just at the mind level. The mind is logical, the heart knows.

The mind will make you go for that super, high-paying job; the heart will say “but you’re going to miss your partner and kids so much”. We’re taught to listen to the mind, and we pay for that in any number of ways.

The world will say get a day job, the heart might say that it’s an artist. People will say “get real only a few make it”. If the heart says go for it then you can always get a job in some form of design, and then do your own art work evenings and weekends. Just aim your career where your heart wants to be.

The answers are

Simple.

1. It’s your life
2. Listen to yourself
3. Recognise that the past only exists when you think about it, so don’t think about it.
4. Form your own beliefs. Your parents may have done their best but they’re not you and they’re not living your life. You are a whole and unique human being.
5. Keep life very simple. Don’t add any unnecessary complication for any reason.
6. Know your own mind and make decisions, don’t dither. Take your time, work out the right direction, do it.
7. Take those closest to you into consideration, but never sacrifice yourself. If you have kids you’re their lesson. Remember that.

Most importantly: If you’re trying to make something work whilst fearing that it will go wrong, waiting for it to happen. It will.

You have to be in one mindset, I suggest:

I deserve to be happy

I will discover what makes me happy

I will make that my aim and make it work

I will be honest with myself at all times

I will listen to others but if it feels wrong I will maintain my course

There is only one mistake I cannot learn from – the mistake of not trying

I dragged the past into the present and created the wrong future. Don’t do that.

Learn from me not with me 😉.

Best love

Deb xx