Ouch!

Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?

If I had a £1 for every time I didn’t stand up for what I believed to be right, I’d have a lot of £’s, and a bigger house.

Intuition

My intuition is good. I’m not often wrong. Time and again I’ve issued warnings, been ignored, or others thought they knew better; yet I was right.

A lot of the time the outcome was obvious anyway. But it is hard to be ignored when over and over again you’re right. No one needs reminding later that you were. That’s just cruel, but it leaves you knowing you could have done better, been stronger. Except:

Truth is, most humans are locked inside their own head with their own thoughts, too many of which are faulty. We clutch them to us as truth, hang on to them because they’re our sense of who we are, and affect our inner and outer worlds as a result.

Most people don’t realise that absolutely everything is thought energy. One thought, one war, millions dead. On a less dramatic note that translates into our everyday lives.

So the fact that I thought and didn’t act is one thing I would not do, in the past and going forward.

Stubbornness

Then there are the people too scared to be wrong who cannot be reasoned with. I have known far too many of them and watched them go down a miserable road, because that sense of self leaves no space for other thoughts.

Yes I’ve tried to help them. No it didn’t work, and frankly I got tired of banging my head on a brick wall.

Action

Most of my life I haven’t been able to take action simply because I couldn’t earn enough to create autonomy.

I’ve also found the childishness of life to be rather draining.

I’ve been a different thinker since the day I was born. My family fell out when I was 8, my parents and nan were talking about it, and I chimed in “that’s because you’re all stupid.” My nan went for me, my mum stopped her and said “no, she’s right.”

I didn’t understand that childhood damage never ends then, unless you switch minds.

Closer to the unseen

I am far closer to spirit than human now. It doesn’t mean I look down on people, far from it. I know myself and my mistakes so that would be a) two-faced, and b) as far from spiritual as you can get. My aim is to be a force for good and that means I have to be the difference I want to share. I don’t want to share elite or better than, we’ve had enough of that.

If there is decency and compassion in me it’s because I’m not perfect, but that connection helped me to become who I wanted to be, and now helps others.

It makes sense of my life too. The hurt that you can no doubt see between the lines has done a phenomenal amount of good and I know and love dearly some incredible people, who also like me! Wow!

Treading spiritually

I can’t give you examples of exactly what created this thought process as they’re too personal and sensitive to others. But I can tell you what I would do differently and it may help you or someone you know.

• Make yourself important in your life. You weren’t born to ensure everyone else is okay and thriving, you were born to ensure that you are. If you don’t then people will always see you as the giver, and that’s emotionally risky.
• If you can’t reach people you’re probably not meant to be with them.
• If you can’t discuss, walk away.
• If your life is wrong for you change it. Don’t live with anyone, or keep a ‘friend’, who causes you pain.
• Take your finances very seriously and make sure you’re secure.
• Stand up for yourself, fight for yourself, and take care of yourself. Don’t put your welfare in the hands of anyone else unless you have no choice.
• Respect yourself or no one else will.
• If you’re a reasonable person, able to listen and discuss, meet others in the middle, with the strength not to need to be right all the time, be very watchful. People take those great attributes and see them as weakness. You’ll be giving ground and giving ground, trying to be decent, only to find out more decency is needed, until you realise that you’ve been walked over. Know when to say stop, when you’ve given enough, and mean it.
• If you’re in a relationship make sure the other person is too. Some people never fully invest in anything but themselves, seeing their needs as of prime importance. It’s not a relationship when one person holds second class citizen status, it’s a dictatorship.
• Love yourself enough to make yourself happy.
• Remember the words give and receive. Don’t settle only for the first.
• Anyone who betrays you needs to see the back of you and fast. Do not make excuses for them or let them convince you you’re responsible for their behaviour. Two strikes are enough. False promises can be seen to be lies.
• Finally, remember that everyone is human, even the best religious leaders never claim to be more than a man, or woman, of God. People don’t mean to be messed up, unkind is a choice, but life has always been difficult for humans to navigate. Always. Only be hard on those who cross the manipulation-gaslighting-violence line. Give ordinary people a break. They’re only a slightly different version of you.

Judgement

The trick is to stay away from judgment. No human has that right.

If I step away from a relationship that isn’t working I don’t do it with blame, I don’t need to because my weaknesses are clear in my mind. I simply quietly step away and leave them be. With gratitude for having met them.

Humans are human. We do our best. I am different. I accept it. It doesn’t make me right. Or perfect. But no one should ask either of a human.

What would I do differently?

That’s a hard question when so many others were involved, so many people sharing ideas that were confusing me, and with lives that collided with mine rather than complimenting each other. However:

I would be stronger in my self-belief. I would either make something work for me or I would walk away. I wouldn’t think that being alone was a bad thing. I would have preferred that for a great deal of my life. I’ve always had great friends. I would not have sacrificed myself to relationships, stayed in jobs I hated, accepted defeat as the right of the undeserving. I would not have let other people define me or make me feel worthless.

I certainly don’t now. Better late than never.

Gosh not a happy blog, but an authentic one, and if it helps anyone value themselves more and understand that you are your only champion, it was well worth writing.

At the end of the day it’s not what you did or didn’t do, it’s the thoughts that led you there. Thoughts that were never yours to begin with.

Spring clean your mind, regularly. Keep what is you and dismiss what is not.

With love

You’re amazing

Deb xx