Writing

What activities do you lose yourself in?

But in truth I find it hard to lose myself. Over the years mind control has been such a strong factor with me that I even find meditating difficult. If I can do it, it’s brilliant, but I have flashes where I can and then I struggle.

I really need to lose myself in self-discipline, but one butterfly or the patter of tiny paws and I’m distracted.

I annoy myself at times. But I was given something to think about by my BFF in the most literal meaning of the term, yesterday:

This question may help you too

When do you start to factor in your life?

Amos

That pulled me up short.

If you knew me you’d think I had a hedonistic lifestyle, where I can do what I want when I want. I don’t have to work, I have my groups but I love them too much to consider them work.

I’m at home all day everyday, with my beloved cats, I can see Frister whenever I want. What’s not to love, right?

A lot. You lose track of time. Retirees will often tell you that they don’t have time to work. It’s true because days go like this:

* Get up

* Lunch

* Evening meal

* Bed

* Dang I’ll do the housework tomorrow.

Throw in some TV and it’s New Year’s Eve again.

Time seems to jerk forwards, is it four o’ clock already, what happened? I don’t even nap during the day so that’s no excuse for erratic time.

Only the groups anchor me, which is great as I have all the concentration of a distracted butterfly. I’m glad I’m not one or I would starve to death.

Ooh is that nectar? But that plant looks better. Ooh a bee, must go and say hi. Cat, cat alert, elevate! What was I doing?

The good thing about me though is that when I do put my mind to it I can do a great deal in a very short period of time.

But I’ve realised that the distraction has been masking something else.

Me as important

Don’t read this as a saintly, endlessly giving thing, it’s not. It’s pure self-sabotage. The danger with that is that you don’t even see it coming until it has its fingers firmly around your throat squeezing the inspiration out of you.

The most dangerous inner issues are the subtle ones. Never doubt that.

Me

For all that I have tons of hedonistic ‘me time’, where I can think about myself, I don’t do it in the right way. I don’t think about what I love, what I want to be doing. Okay, a part of that is a subtle underlying depression. Note that word, subtle.

It’s not a depression that takes away the will to live, far from it, that’s why you don’t really pay it any attention. Just what the French call ennui. A feeling of Boredom, tiredness, listlessness, dissatisfaction. Nothing much, but it’s insidious.

It creeps into the gaps where you ought to be doing something dynamic and convinces you that you can always do it at some vague time in the future. It doesn’t really matter when.

Watch for this feeling and oust it firmly from your life otherwise you will be 3, 10, 67, and you won’t know how it happened.

The way it manifests is in putting everything and everyone else before what to want to do. As a distraction because your energy is taken up by the wrong emotions.

For example, I want to write, I see dust, I vacuum. The cats come for food, I stop at once. If I don’t I chose to feel terrible about that, selfish. So I stop.

These are only my examples. We all have subtle ways of undermining ourselves, and the more subtle they are the more awareness you need.

Be aware of your emotions and question them if you’re not achieving your dreams, or feel deflated by life more than you’re inflated by enthusiasm.

Depression is painfully obvious, ennui is not.

There is always good news

Don’t think in terms of ageing and wasted time. While you’re still here you have time. Life can change for the better in an instant.

Not long before Christmas Tony saw that a women’s magazine is running a playwriting competition. For once I jumped on that idea, I’m going for it, and I have to say it’s almost more fun at my age because I’m not investing my sense of self into it. If I don’t win I can still send plays off. I can still try again.

I’ve also found hidden in the depths of my computer a large number of short stories that are actually good, so I’ve researched places that will accept submissions. Then there’s the poetry, ditto. I’m having fun.

Youth is wasted on the young

This is such a true saying, but it’s not wasted on the older generations. You often feel more youthful and alive when you don’t have the concerns of youth, when you know what is more important: a pretty face and tight butt, or a happy attitude.

Achievements when you get older mean more. Less anxiety means I can now think more about happier things, and you notice the difference in the physical body when you do, let alone the mind.

Never give up hope – give up vacuuming.

Want a laugh?

Just as I was writing this, Miss Mimi came up and miaowed for attention. I literally dropped the phone instantly, but then she is only a baby who is learning to cuddle so these times are important, right?

They’re very important, always give the young positive attention and make time for them, otherwise they’ll put themselves last in all things and won’t even know that they’re doing it.

We all have the choice to be the terrible warning or the preventative, if you resonate with this make sure your kids (or pets) never do.

Love to you all

Deb xx

P.S. Half an hour later…I’m proofreading out loud, Nero wants a cuddle, I stop at once. 🤣