“What was I thinking?”
The answer to that would be “All the wrong things, only I didn’t know that at the time!”
I was bought up in a crazy mixed up family in all the wrong ways. When I was six I met an aunt I didn’t know I had. Which was a shame in many ways, she was actually lovely and funny, but she never stayed long which was also a shame as I had very nice cousins.
When I was 8 I lost my favourite aunt (and uncle and cousin). Didn’t see them again for 14 years. When it was finally healed I got stuck at a wedding with my cousin while they buggered off to the pub to celebrate. It was awful. My middle aunt was rightly furious. My family guys.
For most of my young life I couldn’t work out who was talking to whom and when, and I didn’t even know who I was talking to because they wouldn’t tell me. When I met Tony everything fell apart and it was great.
Being alone was hard but it gave me the space to grow, to ask myself “who am I and who do I want to be?” I literally took my training apart, kept the good stuff, then learned from my mentor, read books, observed, and created myself into someone I almost completely like.
What? Obviously I make mistakes, but I try not to as the internal tellings off are quite brutal!
“Debra! You should have known better!”
“Don’t full name me it makes me feel bad.”
“You should feel bad that wasn’t worthy of you.”
“Thanks I feel twice as bad now!”
“Good, my work here is done.”
“Bugger off then.”
“I can’t bugger off, I am you, you’re stuck with me.”
“This is what you get for being a Gemini, a moralist and an ordinary human sharing the same mind and taking opposing viewpoints!“
“You know you agree with me.”
“Shut up.”
“You don’t really want me to.”
Martyred sigh.
Thinking
My thinking was wrong as it was a product of my life training, which in my case was un-enlightened.
When the light goes on in your mind and you understand the power of that mind, when you question how that power is being used, then you can find out who you are, separate to friends, family, belief systems.
I learned that I am almost fully inclusive. Any good person who does their best to be honest and authentic I will accept into my life with gratitude. Race, colour, gender, creed, mean nothing. Religion must come from love of God though not hatred of humans.
That’s a rule I won’t break.
The not quite fully inclusive relates to all violence, in thought, word, and deed, to any living thing. I may do my utmost to walk a path of love and tolerance, but excusing cruelty does not belong in the loving mind.
I do try to send nothing but love to some international challenges as a calming emotion, in the hope that if enough of us send love we might hold off millions of deaths. It sounds airy-fairy but it’s all I’ve got, I have to try. That and use my voice.
I guess my follow up book would be:
“I know what to think now, and people still think I’m wrong.”
I won’t back down on this one though.
😉
Be love, at least you will confuse the haters.
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 