Dear fans of Clarence
All three of you. I am standing in to assist my dear friend Clarence Postlethwaite as he looks approximately like the above at the moment. We’re three laptops down so far, one of them was mine, and two windows have had to be replaced.
As you know, Clarence is a reporter who follows the world of politics, I didn’t suggest it would be easier to immerse himself in a vat of cow excrement because I know how dedicated he is, but my dear friend has a problem. Not writer’s block, but the fear of being sued by all and sundry if he tells the truth.
I said to him “Darling, I’ve been sued by all and sundry many times and I’m far wealthier because of it, I have your back.” But the poor man is as broken as his laptop at the moment, mainly thanks to his 3 year old granddaughter demonstrating her Irish Dancing on his lap. Poor man didn’t see it coming, three stomps in and he couldn’t see for crying. He’s currently in hospital immersed in ice packs to the waist, trying to pretend that he can’t see the nurses laughing.
So here I am. Laughing.
Political correctness
I do not specialise in this. As politicians are almost never right, certainly rarely truthful, I have no compunction in calling it the way I see it. So here goes.
Firstly, today. People spoke the word ‘racist’ into Apple AI, and although it got it right sometimes, it kept coming up with Trump. I’m not sure that’s absolutely fair, but on the other hand he says so much it might be. Who can keep up?
The you have the issue of Ukraine dragging the Russian tanks across the border into their country, then using them to shoot themselves. It makes no sense. We saw them lined up, we saw them move, we didn’t see any Ukrainian’s screaming welcome. If you wanted to attack Russia it was a very odd way to do it. There is a suggestion that the Ukraine started the war in 2014, but then if they took the Crimea why did they give it to Russia? Don’t know about you but I’m confused.
Of course President Trump has been to Saudi Arabia and met that nice Mr Putin, without President Zelensky there to confuse things. Perhaps they couldn’t have coped if he’d suggested that what the world saw on television actually happened? All those burnt out, shelled, destroyed buildings. Perhaps they had the same architects as Aleppo and all the buildings fell down and spontaneously combusted, all of a sudden. With Russian troops standing there saying “My gosh, what’s happening?” in Russian of course.
Could it be that the Ukraine decided to invade the Crimea, even though it was their land at the time, then decided against it and gave it to Russia? That would certainly fit the strange pattern of this narrative.
Sir Keir is currently in America cosying up to Trump. After Macron didn’t quite, got to love him. Starmer is not the most inspiring Prime Minister we’ve ever had, but he may have a chance. He’s yet again thrilled the country by hitting the weakest, least able to care for themselves, via foreign aid. If you’re in one of those countries, the UK public are less than impressed to put it mildly. Furious with a side order of ‘how dare you’ is more accurate.
Sadly he has thrilled Trump, but he’s forgotten that Trump isn’t one of his voters. We are and he’s been in our sights since week 1. Why start with pensioners if you ever want to be voted in again? We’re all going to be pensioners one day.
However, we are in the cleft stick that defence-wise we haven’t kept up with the times, even though the first warning of these times coming was in 2014. We’ve relied too much on America, because, quite frankly, they’ve always been a reliable ally as we have to them. Now we have the inexplicable in charge, with a team of people who know a lot about some things but not so much about the way the world works, shock tactics are fine in business but they’re going to discover that they work very badly in politics.
Especially the unknown and inexplicable entity who is named after a rather stinky perfume. Roman Salute my a*rse. That was stolen from them in 1936, but then the Romans weren’t super-great at not stealing other countries, so way to make a point that you are completely untrustworthy.
Everyone needs allies, especially on their borders. However, the Mexicans aren’t fond, Canada is furious about the tariffs, further afield Europe is equally furious, and the UK is waiting to have confirmation whether or not we’re angry. What makes no sense whatsoever is that we’re all trying to deal with someone who would not have power in any of our countries. Yes I know he’s pardoned himself for everything, but that doesn’t mean innocence it means power.
A Labour politician who has just gone to prison should have proved that point, however, they’ve appealed against the conviction in amazingly quick time, and he has now received a suspended sentence. Apparently it’s unclear whether someone who punched a man to the ground, and kept punching, is suitable to serve as a sitting MP. There is a process to be gone through. The man did hurt his feelings though.
If I know the British public he had better be removed as an MP and a by-election called, or there will be hell to pay all round. There are more nails in Labour’s coffin at the moment than links in Medieval chain mail.
In the latest Harry and Meghan news, apparently she’s been banned from selling clothes, I don’t know why. Perhaps they weren’t suitable for wearing when eating Jam? I’m at a loss really, they’re over there doing whatever, good luck to them I say. Let them tend their American Riviera Orchard in peace.
I could go on, I have been known to win court cases for talking for such prolonged, detailed, and confusing lengths of time the Jury have screamed “okay, not guilty” just to be able to go home and have their first shower in a week.
However, my boyfriend is due soon so I must sashay off. I’m expecting Lord Elpus I think, but it may be Julian Ackass, it’s hard to tell when you’re drunk. Both were introduced to me by two gifted writers and comedians. One earned a black belt so he’s very gifted. You cosy up to some people because they have something you need, you cosy up to others because they know how to dump you on your butt halfway across a muddy, cowpat strewn field, and make it look like a convincing accident. Personally I prefer that type, you know exactly where you stand, or lie, with them.
I hope that I’ve gone some way to making up for Clarence’s absence, I am rather more ‘edgy’ than him. By that I mean over the edge and halfway down the cliff. Nothing I’ve written here is intended to upset anyone, it’s just an attempt to find some laughter, somewhere, in this misbegotten world. If it helps I don’t really like any politician and were I required to defend one I would probably do my worst work ever. That from someone with a 100% success rate.
Anyway, I’ve just heard from Clarence and I must go and rescue him, apparently his grandchildren made him some toffee to make him feel better, which their mother took into the hospital for him today. What she didn’t know was that the children read that toffee should be sticky, so they added a side order of glue to the recipe, we’re hoping it’s not the super kind.
I’m going to take a monkey wrench, two spanners, and a couple of screwdrivers to see if we can prise his jaws apart. I also called a dentist friend to come and help because a) Clarence’s teeth may come out, and b) the dentist screamed when I told him my plan. Serves him right for not volunteering to help the first time I called.
Toodlepip – which is an ancient term for a cheery goodbye, see you later. I shouldn’t really be this cheerful but Clarence had a lot of fun last week not telling me that my dress was caught up inside my undergarments at the back when I was at court. Sadly I was wearing my “F*ck the Judge” knickers, which didn’t help my case. I had to threaten to sleep with the judge to stop him having me arrested for contempt of court.
Yours Milders – the eternal rebel
Deb Hawken - Amorah 