…Or you’ll be suspended from Parliament, thrown to the wolves, locked in the Tower of London below water level, and sent to the opposition benches if the parts of you left don’t drown!
Aye equals yes the PM approves of me, Nay equals oh sh…dear…I shouldn’t have done that and the Whips are heading my way. Disobeying the Whips is a bad thing in our Parliament. We are only a democracy if you vote as instructed.
Anyway
So the Conservative leadership race has begun. It fascinates me that people apparently on the same side have to prove to us that their own colleagues are completely useless. Then they win the election and give them key roles, thereby promoting the apparently clueless, and letting them run the country.
Does it say somewhere in the political handbook for navigating government:
“Talk a lot but never mention the country, the people, or the issues they face. That kind of language should be reserved only for elections.”
It boggles the mind doesn’t it.
Parliament is back to work, or failing to work, depending on your viewpoint. Sir Keir is explaining why taking the fuel support off pensioners isn’t a bad thing, because apparently they’re going to get £1000 more over the next 5 years. Give them £200 a year, take away £200 a year, so nullify the great benefit they will receive for five years. I’m rolling my eyes so fast I’m dizzy.
He’s going to do away with a load of hereditary peerages, I’m not anti that, far from it. But I am wondering exactly how many people he intends to p*ss off, I’m going to start a p*ssometer to track it. I’ll have to make up the figures as I don’t know exactly how many pensioners are about to freeze. I will be able to note how many hereditary peers go though. So some of what I write will be accurate and true, which at least places me above politicians in the information supply chain.
Do you think the weather is having a laugh as it’s flaming freezing in parts of the UK right now, has it started winter early to see when the PM cracks and gives in?
One down four to go
Piri Patel has gone from the Conservative race, first one shown the door, so there is some hope. Hopefully we will get a central candidate that will work to please everyone and not someone hijacked by the far left or right. Balance and fairness are important.
Did I really say that? Thank the Lord! I am not corrupted by my connection with politics! Hallelujah and praise God and everything. And no I am not being sarcastic or blasphemous, I really mean that. My dad was a bigoted, miserable, bugger and I swore I’d never get like him. Apparently I’m not doing too badly.
I also watched Maggie Thatcher go from something truly impressive to an older person somewhat forcefully certain that she was right. “The lady’s not for turning” became a lady with her feet set in the concrete of stubbornness to the point that the term ‘stubborn as a mule’ was removed from the English language and ‘stubborn as a Thatcher’ was added.
I volunteer at a mule sanctuary, and the troubles we’ve had since. Confused mules with no idea who they are, what they do, how to find their purpose. It’s been tragic. We’ve tried to help.
We’ve told them that they’re as mule as a mule, that they’re still stubborn but not Thatcher stubborn. The poor souls have even asked if they can pull Santa’s Sleigh because they need a positive purpose in life. We said that stubbornness wasn’t positive, they said they were positively stubborn so it was. Now they’re upset because Santa doesn’t want them, even though Rudolph can be a real diva who upsets all the other reindeer by pointing out that they don’t have a song.
Don’t even get me started on the outrage of Thatchers in this country, both the roof weaving artists and the cider company.
It’s been very messy all round. Politicians have a lot to answer for.
Me, mine, and Mildred
I’m okay, I’m not really back into the swing of things yet as I’m partly covering the Paralympics, which is awesome. Those guys have challenges every day of their lives yet get out there and try new things, take up sports they theoretically shouldn’t be able to do, and ace it all. Big love to them. So proud. Win or lose they’re walking, talking, achievements and inspirations.
Covering sport obviously doesn’t involve climbing trees, but it does involve praying for those free water swimming in the Seine. If it can go from polluted to safe in hours, could they be halfway up the course when that changes again? I shudder to think and really don’t want to know the answer.
My son is out of prison. My grandson is locked in his room at home and is never being taken on a family holiday abroad ever again. I asked him how he felt, he said he was just trying to work out how to get out of holidays in this country and then he’ll be happy. He suggested he came and stayed with me. He’s trying to get us both killed!
My ex wife said that she is missing me, I said that I’m missing me too because I fell out of a tree the other day and I’m still a bit disorientated. My son said that was the perfect example of being exactly myself. That was rather wounding. I miss the ex but I know better than to let her think she’s won. I’m playing hard to get in the hope she will become determined to win and and I will be reunited with the only woman I’ve ever loved. Keep everything crossed but do not tell her if you see her.
She’s 5’1″ tall, with a lazy eye, shaved head, considerable limp, terrible dress sense, and smells of aniseed. There, now you’ll never recognise her because she’s quite gorgeous!
Anyway, toodle-pip as the Lords about to lose their peerages would probably say. Toodle pip does mean goodbye by the way, in case you’re either not English, not rich, not old, or any combination thereof.
Clarence
P.S. Oh Lord I am in serious trouble. Mildred is going to throw me into a vat of bilge and beat me with her wooden leg. I don’t even know what bilge is and splinters give me terrible skin infections. I can’t think why Milders is upset, she’s at least 5’5″, the eye only looks lazy until she sobers up, the shaved head is just a result of standing too near to a candle whilst wearing hairspray. She was 10 feet away but her hair is so unruly she uses about a can of spray a day. It’s stood her in good stead though, she went through a car windscreen once, not a hair out of place or a scratch.
Her dress sense is questionable, but somehow it always looks right on her, Deb says she’d look like an accident in a tumble dryer if she wore those outfits, but Milders always looks perfect…ly Milders.
The aniseed is only used in exceptional circumstances because Milders is something of a sex goddess. Men flock around her like flies. The aniseed is her repellent. She has two fiancé’s, three boyfriends, and I’ve heard that Tom Cruise and Ryan Reynolds are fighting over her. Don’t quote me though because I heard that from her and she was on the outside of a bottle of Whisky, three dry Sherrys, two Martini’s, and a pineapple cocktail that tasted as revolting as it looked. Yes she was still apparently sober, could still stand on one leg, and walk in a straight line. The only way to tell is that her memory is taken over by a creative writer. When she’s forgotten who she is she just starts making it up, and the tall stories reach the kind of height where you need oxygen just to listen.
Anyway, I’d better go and make amends, and move house so that my grandson can’t find me!
Deb Hawken - Amorah 