What foods would you like to make?
I’m not that interested in food. Particularly since I became gluten free. Eating out with me is too pressured for those around me, they worry the whole time.
I can’t eat chicken because the steroids they give them make me feel horrible, like I’ve eaten a brick. I used to love chicken. It was my staple diet.
My husband comes in from work very late at night, for years it was after 9 pm. I gave up cooking very early on due to the waste of throwing his food away. If you think the life of a corporate wife is all shopping and lunches you’d be right.
I shopped because there were people in the shops to talk to. I lunched with friends when I could and was so grateful for it. You also move around as higher level executive jobs are thin on the ground. So I left too many wonderful people behind, and gradually became more isolated.
I’d have been better had we stayed in London. I knew my way around, knew people, if a hobby is going on it will be in a city. I was happier driving there than in the country. You never drive in the dark and the sides of the roads are clearly marked, not unlit and crumbling away. I owned the back roads. Plus public transport was wonderful, then, and affordable.
There are probably Londoners reading this wondering just how long ago this was?! thirty-three years. So yes I’m sure I’d be in for a surprise or two if I went back! 😱
Negative ugh
As you can see food is a loaded subject for me as it connects to a great deal of loneliness, but it’s a situation I couldn’t prevent.
I’m an extremely straight and clear communicator which is a pointless ability when people can’t listen. Even more useless if they choose to feel attacked.
What to do?
When these things happen you have to go to the self. You may fully and completely understand why those you love are the way they are. You can do your utmost to support them, you can love them dearly. But the complete erosion of the self and a life so that someone else succeeds is not acceptable.
It’s hard when you have unlimited shopping benefits, or used to. Are fortunate enough to have private dentistry thanks to them. It’s brutally hard when they’re actually a very decent, kind, considerate person who would do anything for you. But nothing is ever black and white.
I’m married to a truly good man who would move heaven and earth to give me what I want, except himself. He sees working and building a career, as a way to keep his little family safe and he’d do anything to do that. No one did that for him, and he made up his mind long ago that love meant loyalty, being reliable and taking care of your family. He ain’t quitting until retirement.
As you can see, there is every good reason for me to be right where I am.
What I wasn’t able to do due to the added complication of moving around the country, was maintain a continuity in my life.
There was also the added complication that publishers won’t take new authors without a huge social media presence, even when you come highly recommended. They do almost nothing to promote your book anyway. Plus the theatre industry stopped taking chances on new playwrights because they couldn’t afford to. They were my two real opportunities.
Positive conclusion
I hate writing in these terms but I trust there’s a why to what comes to my mind. That’s how I work.
The why is this. You.
Reading something like this isn’t comfortable, writing it is excruciating, but a warning is never wasted. Nor are ideas.
Maybe things are becoming uncomfortable for someone reading this. Maybe someone out there is feeling that they’re losing themself, subsumed by the lives and needs of others. Maybe something I’ve shared here will help. That makes it worth every moment of uncomfortable recall.
Besides, I’m a very simple person at heart. Give me my cats, a day of any weather, a good book, a great film or programme, a meditation, couple of squares of chocolate, lunch with my Frister, and feeling good, and I don’t need a lot else.
Being successful would have been wonderful, to have helped thousands would be just out of this world, maybe I still can, I’m certainly still trying.
However, what’s going on inside your head counts for far more. Life getting inside my head and pushing out my creativity and happiness was not a desirable thing. But ultimately I’m happy.
If that’s all you achieve you will have the most important thing, and you can always build on that. As I know, you will struggle to build on a baseline of depression. Protect your happy.
Warm Wednesday
(it’s actually Summer here today)
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 