There are only seven more days to hear repeats of everything we’ve heard before. That gives me quite the lift in spirits, not the drinkable kind, I tend to turn to that kind during every election and I don’t recommend it.
I once suffered a nasty fall from a rooftop because I climbed up there four sheets in the wind to declare my complete disinterest via the use of a bucket with no bottom, I didn’t have a bullhorn although I was so drunk I did go looking for a bull first. In London. It was only the sheets left out in the garden to dry that broke my fall. My dear wife’s attention to cleanliness saved me that day. Almost, she was furious and chased me with a broom.
So where do we stand? It’s about as clear now as it’s ever been. I have been wondering if the Tory bet-placers really are all surprisingly psychic, but as they haven’t voted for Labour to win, I doubt it. If you want to make money that’s the way to do it. Fortunately no one can claim insider knowledge on that one as it’s been obvious for months. Barring the British public surprising everyone by being radical of course, that would have been a safe bet. The odds are probably shocking though.
Tonight there will be another debate between the two main leaders, which shows you exactly how predictable they know we are.
Unfortunately the Monster Raving Looney Party aren’t standing in my area, otherwise I’d give the real raving loonies a wide berth.
Will anyone rebel and give us a credible third party to hold these historic alternatives to account? I wish. Although I do think Conservative voters may deliver a shock, they have to go somewhere and probably won’t go Labour…so something vaguely different may happen.
I probably shouldn’t be seen to influence the vote, but in truth I only work during elections, Clarence Postlethwaite isn’t my real name, and no one cares what I think.
You may wonder why I’m hiding behind a pseudonym. As you know the majority of voters in England particularly tend to vote either Labour or Conservative, that’s a heck of a lot of people who have it in for me, plus as I tend to disagree with all politics in principal, only the apathetic (or bored) aren’t coming after me with bats. One can’t be too careful.
I’m also not too popular with the England Football team at the moment, I hear that Gareth Southgate frowns when he hears my name, that’s terrifying as the man has a lot on his mind at the moment and although he seems admirably controlled you can never tell when he might snap.
I did try to watch them last night, and found myself wondering why the lines around a football pitch are always white, and why they wear different coloured football boots, yes I know sponsorship, but even so those pink ones could be putting the other players off. I cried when Saka scored, and then bawled when it was ruled off-side, but seriously, thanks man that was epic.
The important thing is they’re through to the next round. Topped their table. Okay it wasn’t a glorious achievement but they have a chance. Now all we need is some of the lower division players who’d give their eye teeth to be there and whom everyone will confidently expect to lose, and we might have a chance.
I recommend Bernard Snaggle from Windsworth Wanderers. The man has class, style, and hasn’t cried at the end of one single match. Okay he’s blind in one eye, has a gammy leg, and is somewhat confused by left and right, as in are we playing that way or that way? But other teams love him as he’s a real scorer and has helped many teams to victory in his time. Including his own occasionally. I think he’d do well.
There are also the participants in Ru Paul’s Drag Race, true they’re not footballers but those people have courage, style, pizzazz, love to perform, and have no intention of losing. The strips would be out of this world, as long as no false eyelashes are lost during the undertaking, that could turn into a real scrap. If you can make yourself that stunning, you’ll certainly be capable of giving it a good go.
Seriously guys, take a deep breath, relax, you all have the talent, the ability, and the power. You’re being hamstrung by trying because you carry the load of 1966 on your shoulders, plus all the failures since. It is truly a big burden.
My advice, come up with a radical way of playing, keep to the rules rules but break all the rules of your normal play. Let your hair down, free yourselves from all restraint, run in random directions, kick wildly but in the right direction. Try to score goals from any and every position on the field. And for goodness sake free your magic. You can do it. We know it. We love you. Just forget the past, forget the failures, forget the pressure, and be yourselves. Any goal will do.
Yours Clarence
P.S. I’ve heard rumour that Sir Ed Davey’s next stunt will include an appearance in a budgie smuggler. I’m obviously hoping that’s just a ridiculous rumour, but you have been warned. There is a also a rumour that the Conservatives put out that rumour, but I can’t reveal my sources so it will remain a rumour, unless they all start betting on it.
P.P.S. Gareth Southgate, ban all television, do NOT under any circumstances risk the boys seeing that. Their mental health will collapse, they’ll need hours of counselling just to get them out of bed, and they won’t be able to see the goal for crying which will make no difference because they won’t be able to kick a ball for shaking.
Deb Hawken - Amorah 