Clarence: Imaginary Conversation

Clarence here again. I found myself wondering what song Sir Keir might sing, and New York, New York, came to mind.

Then I imagine Angela Rayner walking in on it…

‘A’ Misunderstanding

What are you singing Keir?

New York New York

(Removing her earplugs)

Pardon?

New York New York

Why?

Because I’m “a number one, king of the hill, a number one and the top of the heap”

(Removing her hands from her ears and wiping the tears away)

No I mean, just why? People are trying to think here!

Because I’m a number one…

It’s A number one, emphasis on A!

Really?

As in you’re A-number-one!

That’s what I said.

But you sang ‘a number one’ with no emphasis on the a.

It’s the number one that’s important!

But…

Angela, I am the leader here and I will sing the way I want to sing. The country wants to hear my voice.

But…

Enough! I am the a number one and you’re a number two!

I beg your pardon!

I’m a number one…

You’re a number one something and the heap you’re on top of came from a sewage spill! It’s full of…

Sound of door slamming! More singing. Screams of horror. Resignation letters hitting the desks! Calls to the Conservatives to volunteer their services.

***

You can excuse bad politics, but never ruining a good song!

Clarence

Angela: Anyone know of a cargo ship crossing the Atlantic in the next few days? I’m going to grant his wish and he can wake up in the city that never sleeps so that we can. By the time he gets back we may just have injected some energy into this campaign. If not I’m joining Reform and bouncing Farage. If he can just take over as leader, I can!

Clarence

That may be the first time I’ve ever really liked what she’s said. Two birds, one stone. Go Angela.

P.S. Please send Sunak too, poor soul is exhausted from all the apologising, singing, and sweet eating. The rest will do him good. And us. Lose those two, muzzle Farage, bring the vote forward, start a new hell.