For the last few years I’ve written a blog based on our general elections, on Facebook. As we’re all in need of a laugh at the moment, I thought I’d share it on here too. The sad thing is that politics is a subject that should be taken seriously as it affects us all, but that way lies insanity. Hope you enjoy.
Meet…
Clarence – roving political reporter
Dear friends
It’s Clarence, your roving, undercover, mind numbingly bored, political reporter. Covering the election for you as I always so bravely do.
My fan asked me why I’m always so quiet between elections. It’s because they won’t let me have any connection to the internet in the Political Garbage Overload Rehab Centre, and one mention of politics sends me straight back to gibbering and screaming.
Apparently I keep repeating “let me be completely clear” in my sleep for at least six months, think my dinner tray is the despatch box, and keep slamming my fist on it and covering myself with my lunch.
Last time I had to be tube fed for six weeks. But then it was bilge Johnson, the orator of nightmares and fairytales. A few quick tweaks to the hair and a better fitting outfit, and you’ve got your next fairytale villain right there. If that doesn’t put kids on the right track and keep them there, nothing will.
However, either I’m an addict, truly dedicated to you, or the truest meaning of a glutton for punishment, but I’m back on the job.
I’m not so scared this time though, because if one of them rises above mind numbingly boring to say anything vaguely comprehensible, let alone worthwhile, it will be a flaming miracle.
Every adult in this country knows you can’t have good stuff without paying for it, and the moths in my wallet are better off than this entire country.
So my advice is, mute them, and if you don’t, be warned, they could drive a teetotal nun to drink.
Your friend
Clarence Composthwistle
Roving Political Reporter
Expert subjects – Total boredom
Languages spoken – bilge
Life dream – a better job but not refuse collector as it’s too close to my current role
* In the UK “let me be completely clear” will be followed by less clarity than a sewage polluted swamp.
** The Despatch Box stands in front of the Prime Minister, and is something they regularly thump whilst trying to sound effective, and failing. They also come up with very clever one liners whilst our full time workers visit food banks, and parents can’t afford not to work but if they do one wage goes on childcare. Tip of the iceberg of mismanagement and not died to one party no matter how innocent the other side play it. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Deb Hawken - Amorah 