What is your career plan?
I never had a career. I wasn’t allowed to go to college or university so I didn’t have a chance to widen out my life experience after a very narrow upbringing, and find out what I was good at and might like to do.
When my brother was 16 my father asked if he’d like to go to university. he offered a straight educational disaster that, and an A/B student nothing.
In fairness my brother is an extremely clever and gifted man, with his hands, he’s just not academic. He did have a very successful driving school. He was a front line ambulance driver add that trades a tremendous amount of knowledge, courage, talent and ability. He did very well in life.
Important note: academic ability isn’t everything! It’s what you do with what you know that breeds success. My brother is proof of that and I’m very proud of him.
My brother asked why and dad told him that it would be a waste of money as I would get married and have children. My wonderful 16 year old brother replied that if dad thought I’d ever have children he didn’t know me at all.
Hopeless and helpless
As such, in that day and age, I went from one hopeless job to another in complete depression, my entire future closed down, and had to rely on both my husbands for support. I never once earned enough to pay a mortgage, and I did try.
There is nothing more humiliating, and no greater trap, than the inability to take care of yourself. When I did leave my first husband no member of my family would take me and the cats in, and I was very nearly homeless.
I think mum and dad may have helped if push came to shove, but not only did they live on an unsuitable road for the cats, as they were firmly supporting my ex, a cardboard box would have been preferable. It would have been horrific.l having to move in there.
When my mother died in 2015 she left me just enough to pay Tony back for sending me to university, that felt good. I couldn’t have stomached taking that money.
The most important thing for me was that mum and I built a very reasonable relationship at the end. It was never going to be close as we lived a distance apart. As did dad and I. Those are the things that matter.
The happy point and message
Although this compromised my life in so many ways, forcing me to stay with an ex husband I would have left years before if I could have kept myself and the cats safe, ultimately I’ve moved past it all.
What I want to say is, not just to young people but to anyone struggling with unhappiness:
- You are valuable.
- You deserve happiness.
- The way other people treat you is about them.
- A good person will suggest changes you could make not made you feel wrong or stupid.
- Being held back can be fought.
- In this modern world there is so much information and inspiration out there – start Googling or Binging!
- You can be trapped in any number of ways and it is horrific but:
- If you quietly make up your mind that you will escape.
- If you hold on to that determination.
- If you take quiet action whenever you can. This means not telling anyone what you have planned to give you room to work it out and if necessary disappear quietly.
- You will find a way.
- Don’t be held back by the actions of others – there are more people out there waiting to help you go find them.
- You deserve the right life for you.
- You do not deserve violence, unhappiness, bullying, poverty, poor employment, and so on. No one does.
- Not being dynamic or career minded isn’t a crime, but that doesn’t mean that improvements aren’t out there.
- Lastly, you are valuable, you do deserve happiness, and there’s plenty enough to go round.
- Believe! Plan! Act! Take your time, but just do it. Save yourself. No one else can, they can help, but you have to believe in you.
- And there is no reason why you shouldn’t. Mistakes don’t define you, don’t let them define your life.
So I’ve done a bit of writing, and I’ll return to my retirement for another bit until inspiration hits again.
Big supportive hugs if you need them.
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 