Trust Myself/Fight for Me

Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?

I got into a good place with my ex. We both realised that the marriage was broken, we were good friends, he couldn’t affect me anymore. He went into one of his moods, I ignored him.

During that time it became clear that I was a real writer, I had potential. Then I decided that a divorce was necessary. I nearly had an affair, I couldn’t be that person.

Moving on

I met Tony within 6 weeks. Everyone put 2 and 2 together and made 9. I lost my entire family and all but 2 true friends. It was seismic.

Tony is a New Zealander. He’d lived a classic youthful life. I was in a committed relationship at 17, had very few boyfriends, a terror of becoming pregnant that ensured my innocence, and I’d been with my ex for 17 years. I knew nothing about youth.

I still wanted to write though and I put together some very good plays. But for a number of reasons it became harder and harder to hold on to the muse, and it went. I’ve had flashes since but nothing major.

I lost the part of myself that should have been my future, I have no doubt of that.

Instead I’ve become quiet and reclusive. I would do hobbies but the dynamic world I lived in at 30, where the only indoor entertainment was a tv, record deck, or board and card games, was gone. There was so much to do in those days. Badminton, Am Dram, dance, poetry. You could afford a trip to the theatre.

Now everyone’s indoors saying they don’t trust others, destroying their mental health.

In the now

My cats have become my life, and life is quieter than I ever thought possible, but I’m still happy, that’s my nature.

I’m not complaining because what happened, happened. My cats are pure joy and recently I was able to be there for our little cat who was so ill, as I have before. That was a real privilege and we stored up some very special memories together.

If I could go back I’d remove everything from my life that affected my writing. Either by gaining the respect to be heard, or by recognising that the only person who could put me first was me.

I would realise that this is my life and I have a right to live it. I’m not second fiddle to the needs and desires of others. When I didn’t want to move out of London I would not have moved out of London.

I was trapped by being way underpaid, unsure I could give the cats a safe roof over their heads. I tried so hard, to the tune of two degrees and taking any opportunity I was offered, or to create my own, to become a high earner and have the power to make decisions and it didn’t work.

The moral of the story

My life has worked out in highly unexpected ways, and I’m doing work now that’s been extraordinary in its effectiveness. The groups are thriving in all the good ways, and it’s a privilege just to work with them. A joy just to be with them. So my work does work, but if it became popular I’d fall over.

A huge percentage of people say no to what they don’t understand instead of ‘this might be fun…tell me more.”

I’m working with the one percent. I’m honoured.

This I will say to you though. Your dreams matter. Fight for them. I would now. I do. Don’t lose yourself in the needs of others, it’s one thing to give but another to live on empty.

If anyone is taking everything from you, move on. Don’t think that relationships will make you, you make you. Don’t think living alone is a shameful thing, it’s better to thrive than survive.

No matter what – you have a right to dreams and to fulfil them. A right to live your life.

No one made me do this, I did what I felt was right, I protected what were/are my children at all costs. I still love my life. Tony and I are soul mates, we would both do things differently.

But my writing was intended to help, and I was generally too depressed and too afraid of being hurt again to stick my head above the parapet. I just wanted to do good. To help.

I’d sure as hell fight for that.

And me.

Deb xx