Do we have a right to be loved ‘just the way we are’. The answer to that is both yes and no. The difference is in delivery, and that in itself is complicated.
Complication 1
The child trying to please to stay out of trouble. Again there are degrees of this ranging from outright beatings or worse, to the kind of emotional pressure I was under to be perfect. It creates as adult that keeps up that toxic pattern.
Complication 2
The adult who stays in the wrong place for far too long because they’ve been taught never to quit. Especially in toxic relationships of all kinds. This arises from:
Lack of self respect
You’ve been taught you’re worthless, you believe it. You act it out in your life not realising that you’re staying in situations of your actual choosing. See the lesson, move on.
Complexities plus subtleties
This subject is deep and broad and manifests in our lives in any number of obvious, not so obvious, and downright sneaky ways. Let’s simplify it a bit.
I am the collective whole
We are part of the universal whole as well as the human whole. If you want to be ‘I am’ on your own terms, regardless of your affect on others, go and live off grid on your own.
To be accepted as you are won’t happen if you hurt others, if you’re the boss who rides roughshod over employees, the partner who cheats, and so on.
We have the right to be ourselves, but the eternal question that needs answering is:
Is that despite the hurt and damage I cause?
My personal answer is no, and to me that’s when the statement above is worth acting on.
Due process
One strike and you’re out isn’t fair to anyone. Endless tolerance of the battered psyche (and worse still – body) isn’t good for you. So we don’t want to become hard and unfair but we can’t take it anymore:
1. Give it three good tries to mend the relationship by speaking up. If that doesn’t work:
2. Put the person on notice “three strikes and you’re done”. Find a clear calm way of saying this.
3. Count them down “that’s one strike” and so on. When they get to zero:
4. Walk away.
As ALWAYS though, these ideas are not applicable in abusive relationships, if you’re in one of those seek appropriate help. No you don’t deserve this. Yes you are a valuable human being. No you are not wrong the person abusing you is.
Best love
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 