If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?
I thought about anyone else but I couldn’t come to with one person I would want to be. This is me as the song says. It’s who I want to be.
I would like though to be able to go back to a point in time and be able to find it who I could have been if I’d just ever been allowed to be myself, without someone actively seeking to control that.
I believe I would have been a playwright, and judging by the reaction to my first play performed by amateurs (“better than the Terrence Rattigan I saw last week in London, performed by professionals”) I would have been good at it.
I’m not showing off, the story is true, and I wasn’t able to follow through, so what could have been a triumph is an enduring emptiness, and a bit of retrospective frustration that I didn’t know what I know now.
My life changed out of all recognition at that point, I lost everything but my two cats, and was catapulted into a world so foreign that between that and reacting to 34 years of hell (my entire life to that point), I lost the muse.
This blog has done more to get ‘me’ back than anything I’ve done in the last 30 years. I still believe in potential, there is no age at which you can’t change your life. I firmly believe that. There is no age where opportunity stops.
However, theatres have no money, and as I discovered in the publishing industry when a good friend recommended me to a top publisher, they won’t take a risk on an unknown, they can’t afford to.
I still remember though that a top author, Angel lady Chrissie Astell, believed in me enough to recommend me. I’ll never forget that. There’s always light.
That pivotal point
Is the one I’d go back to. Just before everything crashed around me just because I left a psychotic gaslighter. One my entire family sided with.
At that point in my life no one could touch me, I had built my strength, I was in an excellent emotional place, my gaslighter’s flame was extinguished. I’d go back to there and think.
However
I am who I was intended to be. What I’d like back is a world of opportunities. To feel that same excitement. To be me again.
I’m going to be honest though, if I get that back I’m keeping it, it’s not on loan, it’s mine.
Never feel that you can only have a dream for a short time. If you have one, grab it with both hands, block your ears to the naysayers, and never let it go. Most importantly:
Never let someone else destroy your mind because they need to control. It’s your mind, be its fiercest defender.
Then you’ll have the energy to make the most of every opportunity.
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 