Sometimes in life I feel capable, confident, sure of myself and my current pathway. Then suddenly I feel lost. I wonder how I apparently walked backwards in life whilst trying to move forward, and everything feels inside out and back to front, including me.
I’ve concluded that this is my mind screaming out for change. The confusion is because what I’m doing isn’t working. The feeling that I’ve gone backwards is simply a recognition of having been uncomfortable in life before, and my mind is reminding me that I need to take notice and do something. Otherwise that journey into frustration and disappointment will continue.
The right way round looking forwards
Some people live a kind of static life. They seem to know exactly what they want to do early on, dedicate themselves to that path, and mainly enjoy great success. I do admire those people as long as they’re happy. Some though are inside out looking backwards and ignoring the feeling. That may be because they feel trapped, and possibly it’s because they are.
For a long time I felt trapped, but I realise now that I wasn’t. The thing I wasn’t looking at while I looked backwards was the thing I really was, a writer, which was the creative part of me that I needed to be all the time. Now I am that I realise that without it, it was me that was in the past calling out to be heard.
I would say that I am one of the people whose life has gone through phases, so these inside out times have been part of that process of change. Yet now I ask myself, were those times my mind begging me to remember what writing meant to me, that it is me, and go back and pick up that thread.
Have I lived a life of change, or simply the wrong life, and my real life has been calling to me all along, to take it forward with me.
Inside I’ve gone through a lot of change, I’m not a different person, I’m closer to the person I was born to be, minus the pressure, criticism and interference. The internal change has been good. I think the mistake I made was that the writing never needed to be let go in favour of other things I could do, and enjoyed, but that took up a lot of time and energy. Everything else could still have been done, but should have been second to the writer.
I guess the message is, when you feel uncomfortable, the most important thing you can do in the here and now is to ask yourself one question:
Who am I?
Then answer that question to yourself honestly. If you conclude that you too have strayed too far from your original dreams, the ones that felt real even though other people told you they were impossible and you listened and lost confidence. Then nip back in your mind, find yourself, and take that particular aspect of your past forward with you.
Then you’ll be the right way in, feeling strong and confident in yourself and your life, living in the now, creating a great future as you move forward. You’ll find yourself easily now you know where to look. Inside and backwards.
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 