The Weird and Whacky Wisdom of Mildred Scrunge
Dear people that I hope enjoy a laugh and don’t mind a touch of political incorrectness now and then. I promised to share with you the story of when my outrage ruled my head whilst driving my dear Lord Elpus’s new Mercedes car. As I said in my previous missive, I’m sure that you will have some sympathy, especially if you live in London.
If there is one thing I can’t bear it’s a fake. Elpus and I have a strange relationship, as Deb would tell you, but it’s an honest one. We’ve never lied to each other and never will. No I don’t have my fingers crossed behind my back, I only do that in a court room. Please bear in mind that I was extremely upset. And…
If you quote this next part to Elpus I will deny everything and blame it on AI. I barely know what it is but I know it can be blamed for everything even though humans created it, programmed it, and use it for things they shouldn’t be using it for.
Whomever thought a genuine intention and human behaviour were safe in the same space needs their head examined.
Headstrong and unapologetic
I’m not sure if the header image is the right type of car as I don’t know anything about them and don’t care. Suffice it to say that this car was top of the top range with added bells and whistles that cost a large fortune. He was so proud of it.
It started like this…
Deb: Milders you look terrible, what has happened?
Me: It wasn’t my fault, it was Elpus’s fault.
Deb: Of course. Explain his terrible behaviour then.
Me: Okay…He told me I could only drive his new car on a private racetrack, me being without a licence and all since that nasty policeman didn’t believe that my wooden foot got stuck between the break and accelerator pedals and that’s why I was doing 75 in a 30 mile an hour zone.
Deb: He said no to you? How long have you two been together? Thirty-five years?
Me: Exactly! He should have known me by now. Anyway, he left the car keys on the hall table and I decided to just go out and have a look at this monster of gorgeousness. The car not Elpus.
Deb: Definitely the car.
Me: So I went out and sat in it, and it was very pretty. The dashboard lit up in nice colours, and there were lots and lots of buttons, including a big one on the console between the seats. So I pushed it and the car started. The problem was that my wooden foot was resting on the accelerator and the car took off, I was lucky to spin the steering wheel in time and only take the edge of the front wing off.
Deb: So lucky! And…?
Me: So I’m careening down the street, trying to put my seatbelt on, when I realise I’m heading for that edifice they built at Marble Arch. Why not have a peek I thought. It wasn’t hard to find, it’s a monstrosity.
Deb: So I’ve heard.
Me: Well it was.
Deb: What did you do?
Me: I decided to drive round it but a bus cut me up and instead I collided with it a tiny bit.
Deb: How tiny.
Me: It’s totalled. Fortunately no one in their right mind would go up it, and the three people who clearly weren’t, managed to escape uninjured, although one is stuck in a tree.
Deb: Elpus is going to kill you. Are you hurt? How did you get back here? Where’s the car?
Me: No he isn’t unless you tell him. obviously I’m fine. I got a taxi, that’s what people on foot do. And I have no idea. That will remain the story.
Deb: What?
Me: There is an empty parking space out there where a Merc was. The keys are on the hall table where Elpus put them. I have bribed three criminals to give me an alibi, they’ll be very convincing, they’re all barristers, and I have been here all day.
Deb: You haven’t thought about the CCTV in this street.
Me: What CCTV? I have questionable friends in technological places. I’m so looking forward to putting this in my self-help book. It will be useful.
Deb: What! How?
Me: Creative blame pushing and how to turn anything to your advantage.
Deb: You’ll create a nation of duck shoving criminals with questionable morals.
Me: Oh darling, I’ll do better than that. I’m bound to go viral.
Deb: Then let’s hope someone invents a vaccine.
She’s so boringly normal at times it drives me nuts.
Anyhow, allow me to share three ideas with you that you may find useful:
- If you convince yourself that nothing is ever your fault that will be true. Maybe not for others but conviction is extremely convincing.
- Especially if you have a hypnotherapy qualification up your sleeve. This qualification is critical if you’re given to doing stupid things.i
- Should you be caught doing something unwise, always have a list of people to blame. Start with your upbringing, both my parents were mad…
(Not before they had her D.)
- …My grand father drank…
(Ditto D.)
- …I was pushed down a well when I was 23…
(You were drunk, high, and you fell. D.)
(Only you know that and I can have you silenced. M.)
- I had so many minds altering drugs during my recovery I’ve never been the same (cue a single tear sliding sadly down my face).
You get the picture. Never be afraid to dramatise your story in the cause of self preservation. If all else fails, call me, and if you send me an image of this book, I will double my fee then give you a 50% discount.
Deb: Mildred!
Me: I told them I was honest so I can’t lie to them can I?
Deb: I…(sound of head banging on wall not so gently).
Me: Careful you’ll knock yourself sensible and then you’ll be no use to anyone.
Hope that helps.
Milders xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 