Clear Conscience?

This blog was inspired by a very dear friend, who I’m honoured to say trusts my intuition when she’s in a dilemma.

She has been worried about two older people who are at the age when they need a lot of help and support. Although she isn’t a family member to either, they have a close friendship going back decades. My friend was concerned as to whether trying to help would be the right thing.

The right thing

There is a big difference between doing the right thing, and the right thing to do. One suggests duty and expectations, the other suggests that whether you personally like it or not, there is a need to step in.

It was a tricky situation, with a lot of emotion on all sides, and a great deal of understandable upset and concern. It always seems that the time you most need to be right is also the most difficult time to know what ‘right’ may be, doesn’t it? There were two potential options here, neither of which was wrong, but one of which was clearly the right thing to do.

Sometimes you have to act to protect yourself in a situation that may not feel like it has much to do with you. It would have been possible for my friend to say ‘I’m not family’ and step back, and there would have been nothing wrong with that. It would have been truth. On the other side of the coin, a vulnerable person could be suffering, which of course makes the choice clearer – it is doing the right thing to try to help.

However, where the decision crossed the line was that this was a situation where you may never forgive yourself for not doing everything you can, appropriate in some eyes or otherwise. This doesn’t so much make it about you rather than someone else, but it does remind you that we all have a duty of care for each other, and there is nothing wrong with stepping in if you think you can help. Others may not agree and that will have to be worked out, but if at least you step in, if you try, then you will be able to say that there was nothing else you could do, and you tried everything.

Subtle but true

The difference is minuscule but important. If you have a relationship with someone who would do anything for you, and that person needs help and support, the right thing to do is to be what they would be to you. If they would not let you down, you don’t let them down.

When situations are difficult and traumatic there will often be a number of opinions involved, and raw emotions flying through the air looking for a soft target. To stand back from the situation, and consider the difference between doing the right thing and the right thing to do, may be the one thing that will clear you mind and provide an answer for you. Your position slightly to one side may be just what’s needed.

Yes, it could cause difficult situations, but if you focus on the person or people in need of you, and remember how much you’d hate yourself if you didn’t try to help as they would help you, at least you won’t land up loathing yourself…and they may just get the help they need. You can put up with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune for that, can’t you?

Regrets are a terrible thing, and a terrible price to pay, as much for the vulnerable person as for yourself.

Deb xx