What are you most proud of in your life?
And yet one very important thing.
I don’t have children so I don’t have them to be proud of. I do have my brother who is fighting a life altering condition with great courage. I’m proud of him.
I have wonderful friends but they’re a blessing rather than something to be proud of.
When it comes to achievements mine have seemed to go hand-in-hand with balance.
“If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same.” Rudyard Kipling
Might have been written for me.
My first play was well received, then I ended my marriage, lost my group, lost my friends, lost my family to an ex who never let the smallest action he didn’t like go, and swore to make you pay for it. Obviously I had a hard time emotionally, but I also didn’t lose anything with having ultimately.
I decided to do a degree to get a better paid job, I’ve already written about the heartbreak of that. So I went for a conversion degree in computer science. Of course I’d get work from that! I couldn’t programme, the way in was programming. Sigh. I smile about it now.
Got a decent temp job to help my husband’s company out for a few months. 9/11 took the company down. Managed to get work, for which I was grateful, break in the career I’d spent four years trying to escape from. The balance was it was the best job with the best team and best boss I ever had.
You get the snapshot, the picture is much bigger and went on for many years. my biggest problem though was the anxiety. I spent most of my energy in my life trying to hold onto sanity, hope, love of life, love for people, joy, optimism, enthusiasm. I did it.
Proud?
Hmmm. Is achieving a necessity something to be proud of? Not really, I have a strong life force and that was always going to save me.
What I am proud of is that I’ve had a lot of hurt from humans in my life, those who’ve read my other blogs will be familiar with the words of my parents closest friend:
“You’ve had the hardest life emotionally of anyone I’ve ever met, and you didn’t deserve a moment of it,”
That threw me completely. I’m not sure I’ve ever processed that fully. I’ve simply put it away.
The best thing is I’m not bitter, not angry, I don’t look back. It didn’t poison me as it so easily might have. I am a bit proud of that.
I rarely fought for myself because I was raised with the idea that seeking success was showing off and trying to be better than others. It’s not true. As such, when something pulled me back I felt that I deserved it. It wouldn’t have happened if I was worthy of the best, if I hadn’t been showing off.
Obviously I learned to understand that later in life, had I realised at the time that I was reacting to life based on the opinions of others I would have fought like a demon. I wanted to be better to help more.
But anxiety is no warrior even if the sufferer is in fact extremely strong, which anxious people often are. Anyone suffering from anxiety knows the exhaustion of that battle.
What saved me ultimately was spiritual thinking, inspiring people, fabulous books.
I listened, I read, I learned, and when a non-physical being made contact and offered me support I said yes, even if it was the most unexpected thing I didn’t even know could happen.
Spirit were brilliant. First I became an unexpected medium, that familiarised me with the thinking. Then I got a Guide. Then mediumship went wrong too, the ‘spiritual field’ should be called the human field with weird and wonderful abilities. I asked why?
Amos just said “you needed to be a medium in order to connect with me, you were never meant to work in the field.” Once again there was no actual disaster and nothing went wrong.
Important points
Although proud moments haven’t followed me in life. The vast majority of what I thought went wrong actually went right.
Any other career would have diverted me from this one. Contact with my family and many old ‘friends’ would have kept the anxiety going.
Which leads me to those important points:
Forgive your past. Make the best of now. Keep going, keep building, and remember:
Nothing is more important than feeling good! Andy Dooley
All that wrapped into one, is the thing I’m most proud of. I kept going. You can too, if you’re struggling, I’m here, I know, I’ll try to help.
Deb xx
Email: deb@debhawken.com
Call: +44 (0)7912 374226 – do leave a message!
Deb Hawken - Amorah 