This was written as a performance poem for a Toastmasters speech. At some point I will do a video of it.
It’s an exploration of what I am means, and how many am’s we all are. What complex personalities we’re trying to define in three letters and one space, and must maybe, how we work out what being an am is. It neatly encapsulates my craziness, and that I’m not as boringly normal as I look!
I am But what does that mean? To Be? What? How Who? And how can I Be when I’m too busy to take time to be? Being I Am is more challenging than I thought And what is Being? Is it Being me? What is me? It really depends on my mood I can be sanguine – irritated Chilled – anxious Happy – furious Energetic – depressed Full of gratitude And ready to clump someone with a frying pan All at once I’m a very complex being trying to do the Being I tried being nothing But something kept happening I tried being someone But I found that I lacked definition I was soft around the edges with a well-hidden nutty side Like an inverted Ferraro Rocher Besides is I Am enough? And does there have to be a definite Am in order to Be? Wife Cat mother Worker Daughter Friend Chocoholic Writer Author Poet Speaker People are always telling me to define me Or doing it for me Telling me I can’t Be all those things But I Am! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg Being me is a big thing I didn’t choose these things either I Be-came them Once I wasn’t them then I was I wasn’t born with a pen in one hand And a microphone in the other I certainly wasn’t born in front of a computer They still took up an entire room when I was being born I guess I was born Being Already an Am without a clue That I would ever need to know what that was I decided to ask some people who knew me Things got much worse It turns out that there are approximately twelve of me Some nice Some more ‘feisty’ Some in between Is that balance? I resolved to try silence Because Being requires silence doesn’t it? In this world??? I discovered that I am disrupted by this world! Gurus would tell me that I should be silent within But my mind is within and it is very noisy I try telling my mind to calm down But it says “like hell I have too much to do and so do you” I tense up calming down Meditate they say I sit down and put on some music The doorbell rings A cat jumps and knocks a plant over The phone buzzes I realise that I need the loo I tread wet compost up the stairs Of course I can’t relax with that mess So I clean up One...hour...later… I keep trying to still my mind Where are the cats? Will Tony be in for tea? Did I switch the washing machine off? The flooding situation is very worrying! I do miss the Duke of Edinburgh! Don’t I have builders coming tomorrow? Sometimes If I go out for a walk I have a moment where I Am But I can’t seem to embrace the mindful I’ve tried it and I forget I become distracted… I go to the bedroom to get my phone Which leads me to the kitchen where I left it But not the charging cable I find that in the garden where I left that When I was putting the washing out Except that’s still in the basket Because said phone rang and distracted me During such chaos I forget to focus on mindfulness And embrace a mindless random me-ness Which makes so much sense in a weird way AND encourages exercise So All in all the exercise obtained by becoming distracted is good And mindfulness could make me fat Is there a conclusion to the complexity that is me? I think there is When I write - like this - I am in this moment I’m Being Me And it’s fun So Is Being fun? It should be don’t you think? Shall we just have fun and leave the Being to get on with itself? I think we should Don't you? This has been a good moment I have been Being And I Am… Happy Deb Hawken April 2021
Deb Hawken - Amorah 