I put up two contradictory poems on love today, Not Lost Anymore, and Maelstrom. They’re both true. I’ve always wanted to write a book about the misconceptions we have about life when we’re younger, to give young people a heads up about the fairy-tales they will hear, and the voices of the Grinch’s.
We all know that life isn’t what we were told it would be when we were young, that we’ve been misled by films, TV shows, magazines. But does that necessarily make it as bad as it feels sometimes? I don’t think so.
Three types of reality
Reality isn’t simple, mainly because “all you see is yourself”, to quote an author called Richard Gentle. What does that mean though?
To me it means that we view the world through our own feelings and emotions, trained by our past experiences. Those things set up a viewpoint on life that isn’t forever relevant, but no one told you that. So much information that we truly need isn’t mentioned.
The three aspects of reality are:
- Viewing the world from the past viewpoint.
- Viewing the world from a cynical and untrusting viewpoint.
- Viewing life from a positive, life affirming viewpoint.
Nowadays we are encouraged as never before to view the world from a positive place, and if we don’t then we’re negative, we look at life in the wrong way, and what you think about you bring about, so we’re to blame for everything too. Say anything negative because life sucks and you will be letting the side down.
Okay, I’m exaggerating somewhat here, but we know there’s an element of truth in that. What if there’s a fourth version of reality?
Reality.
Reality?
Reality changes. No one can tell you what your reality will be, not even your parents, you decide it all for yourself. The only way to live a real life is to take steps forward every day, trying things out, seeing what happens, testing idea, adopt, modify, or dismiss. Just keep moving forward.
We don’t need to be told that not everything always goes well or works out perfectly, yet we’re somewhat surprised when life doesn’t play ball. We marry or partner and it all goes to hell in a handbasket. We study hard for a career and hate it. We fall into the nearest job so that we can have a bit of money in our pocket, because direction has never been our thing, and we land up feeling that we’ve let ourselves down. What if we took a step back on all these very normal things? Perhaps call them normal things rather than bad things.
Good and bad?
Life is a melange of good, bad, indifferent and boring. There are some bad things as we know, but we’re talking about the ordinary everyday day here. We’re not taught to freak out if things go really well, although some of us do and that’s because somehow we picked up the idea that we didn’t deserve it, so why do we freak out when something goes ordinary everyday wrong (as in not life threatening or heart-breaking)?
It’s because of fault and blame. We’re responsible for our own lives, our own reality, and the self-help industry has done as much to convince us that it’s all our fault as any parent, teacher, boss.
Responsibility isn’t just about getting into a mess, picking the wrong the one, it’s about getting yourself back out of the mess asap. Any time spent in self-blame or loathing, or both, is time wasted on moving forward to something better. Yes there has to be a time for healing and reflection, but let that be forgiveness and learning the lessons of the past and using them.
Every mistake you make, every ropey relationship, every lousy job and poor career choice, can be the thing that stops you doing that again. Self-blame makes you focus on what a fool you were, responsibility says that maybe you could have done better, but you’re going to use the lessons you have identified and use them to avoid that mistake again.
Your negativity is your greatest teacher: moan your head off and listen to yourself.
A return to love
The starting point for this blog. I was a child of the perfect relationship. My parents and closest aunt and uncle were part of true love matches, and boy did we kids know it. Their relationships were lauded far and wide, but I used to look at them and think ‘but you’re not happy’. They swore they were. They were the ‘if you’re half as happy as we’ve been…’ brigade.
As hubby and I and will tell you it’s been rather hard at times, lots of times, but if you’re the right pairing you’ll make it. If you’re really meant to be together then you’ll both work on putting things right. Note the italics there. No leading you down the garden path from our perspective.
Back to reality
So, reality is what you choose it to be. You’re not stuck in the patterns of the past. You should aim neither for fashionable cynicism, or determined positivity. Instead aim to move forward, taking notice, learning, and changing what isn’t making you happy. Reality is really that simple.
Take no pride in complexity and being a problem solver. “A clever person solves problems, a wise person avoids them.” Albert Einstein
Or the story, which may be an urban myth, about Thomas Edison when his search to create the filament for lightbulb ended in failure again.:
“I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”
Of course, 10,000 times is only relevant to science, but the principal is the same.
To simplicity and moving forward without getting a pain in the neck looking back!
Deb xx
Deb Hawken - Amorah 