Reluctant Loner

Are you a person who would love to have a huge group of friends, but doesn’t? You’d like to love partying but hide in a corner? You develop an unexpected headache when you’re invited out in a group, but you appreciate the invites, want new friends, want to go out more, really want to have fun, but you just can’t say yes?

You may also have another issue, people walk into a room and dislike you on sight, before you’ve opened your mouth. This won’t be all people, but it may have happened to you and more than once. I once walked into a pub restaurant, took off my cloak, and turned round to see a number of people glaring at me. I joined a new company and someone told me minutes after I entered the room that they probably weren’t going to like me, and already thought they didn’t. I was one floored 17-year-old.

Unaware intuitive

Intuitives don’t just have insight and sometimes foresight, they also have a unique capacity to know a lot about someone they’ve just met in the blink of an eye. Often they’re entirely unaware of this ability, have no idea they know things they think they don’t know, and are often surprised when someone betrays them or turns out to be the wrong partner, friend, or the office gossip. Many times they look back and think ‘I knew that’, they’re not actually surprised, but they don’t take that seriously.

Many years ago a friend bought his new partner to see us, I opened the front door, delighted to be meeting her, and she immediately took a huge step backwards. I asked her what was wrong, she said that she felt as if she’d been x-rayed and I now knew everything about her. I replied truthfully that I was totally unaware of that, but looking forward to meeting her.

She was actually in a relationship, our friend was helping her to leave someone she was unhappy with. You know what’s coming next, she didn’t. The thing was, I realised that I did know exactly what would happen even though consciously I didn’t.

This ability is a form of seeing and knowing that mediums, psychics and empaths know they have, and many people don’t. We see and hear each other objectively, we are seeing and are hearing. But there is a subjective way to see, hear, and of course know, and that’s in the mind’s eye as it were. You may have said yourself at some point, I can picture it in my mind’s eye. It’s that.

When I teach new people about the path I’m walking, they’ll often say that they can’t visualise, can’t see or hear the things I’m walking them through. It’s so hard to say that’s because they’re trying to see and hear, whereas this is a knowing you’re seeing and hearing. Their faces when you leave them in a metaphysical clearing, someone else describes it and they realise they have seen the same. It’s quite a moment. I also opens the human up to the idea that they’re more than they think they are. That in itself opens all kinds of doors inside that were closed by past experience. Not the least a bit of self-confidence and self-wonder.

Before I move on I want to make one extremely important point: We often see hurt, fear, heartbreak, but we very very rarely see a bad person. I think that’s wonderful. We also see potential, opportunities, ideas that people can explore. It’s quite amazing what people who think they are, and who they really are. We find that for them, the real them.

So…

If you feel lonely but don’t go out, if you want friends but are uncomfortable mixing, join groups and find them too competitive and frankly a bit crazy, and so on, you are probably and intuitive, empath, even a psychic medium.

We are people who need quiet. We need special people around us who get us. We need peace. What we don’t need and struggle to deal with is anger, atmospheres, tension. We are not the people to invite to a family wedding where both families hate each other, the new spouse, and the other family.

We’re also uncomfortable with blame. We don’t blame the rich for what we don’t have. We don’t third party responsibility, we take responsibility for our lives, sometimes too much. We often fall into blaming ourselves for everything simply because we don’t understand peoples’ reaction to us, or the atmosphere we’re in. We think we caused it. I used to say that if I’d been born before the Second World War I would have been searching my mind to recall where I met Hitler and upset him. This isn’t a flippant comment by any means, that was how bad it felt to be me. Because we can also have another complication.

Parents

I’ve spoken to numerous people over the years on my path who had a rocky relationship with their parents. Not the usual arguments, defiance, or abuse of any kind. More a complete disconnect.

An example would be when my grandfather died. My mother took me to one side on a visit to the crematorium and asked me whether I wanted a good cry. It was the sweetest thing. But 6-year-old me was horrified. I tore my hands away and ran as fast as I could to find my dad and nan, and get myself away from that horrific idea. Years later mum wrote her life story, in it she said that they were worried sick because I was showing no emotion, they didn’t know what to do. I could feel how hard they tried. I was the problem.

Not in a bad way, I just couldn’t react the way they did, and I couldn’t reach them because I couldn’t deal with their levels of upset. This is my conclusion from years of experience of being the unexpected me. A few people I’ve spoken to have concluded that they felt like foreigners in their own birth family, everyone else was similar, they weren’t. For a time I was similar to my birth family and that made me very unsettled. I was just being what I’d been raised to be, and it didn’t fit! If you have the feeling that you don’t fit anywhere…that’s another big symptom and clue.

Loneliness

Let’s return to this. You see I thought I was lonely, but I wasn’t. I thought I needed people, but I don’t. I value the people in my life, and that’s because they’re the right people. My old school friend hasn’t followed the path I have, yet I still make perfect sense to her. You don’t have to be like us to be able to understand us, simply because you are like us, we all have that ability. You just learn to look at us differently, and it’s usually easier to characterise us as weird but wonderful.

For years I was known as the family hypochondriac. Dad said he’d never take me into a maternity ward as I’d come out as the second immaculate conception. It turned out that when I walk into a medical establishment I get it all…the energy, the fear, the atmosphere, who has what. Again unconsciously and I couldn’t pick one thing out of the overwhelming barrage of sensations.

Hubby and I got caught up in the House of Commons lockdown in 2017. He asked if we could get me somewhere quiet. The lovely guide with us asked if I was having a panic attack, Tony said no ‘she’s feeling the emotions of the 400 people in this room’. They found me a quiet corridor behind the statue of Gladstone, there were about 10 people in there, 5 minutes later I was fine. The surge of adrenalin was overwhelming though.

The message here is, if you think you’re too feeble to cope, it may simply be that you’re coping with much more than yourself, in any and every room. Can you not cope with working, or can you not deal with the atmosphere where you work? Is everyone miserable because they hate the job, the company, the work? If they are leave as fast as you reasonably can because you won’t thrive there.

One way to sort this all out in your own head to your own satisfaction, is to ask yourself a set of questions:

• Am I actually lonely or do I believe that I should have lots of friends and attention? I discovered that yes I did believe that and it wasn’t true. I was measuring myself against the social construct that popular means lots of people, and unpopular means dislikeable. I’m very popular with some incredible people.
• Do I feel more relaxed and happy when I’m alone? Can you while away the day with a book, my partner, my children, my pets, and never feel that a moment has been wasted. Or do you go down the route that you’re clearly lazy, have no drive or initiative, and are going to land up as a resounding failure because you’re not out there fighting for success? I once set the intention of finding peace of mind in this life, I’m not there yet but I’m better than I’ve ever been, I am not a failure I’m succeeding at my own plans. Avoid peer pressure and social constructs.
• Am I dislikeable because total strangers turn on me very quickly for no apparent reason? Or are they people who judge immediately, by appearances, without stopping to find out why another person is different? Even maybe finding out if you’re okay? If someone is unkind to you on sight, before you’ve spoken a word, you are not the problem.
• Ami I dislikeable because I try to make friends and rarely succeed? In truth there are very few people who have loads of true friends who would walk through the fires of hell with them holding a watering can! If you have a few true, loyal, supportive and accepting friends in your life, you are a very lucky person. Don’t let the idea that you should have hundreds take away what you do have.
• Am I lonely or am I in the wrong place with the wrong people? When we’re not in the right place doing the right thing, by definition we’re not with the right people. Part of my problem is that I’m ideally suited to working in the theatre on the production side. I love everything about it, I go to shows and mentally rewrite them bringing out the strengths of what I’m seeing more, changing the sets, just for fun not for criticism. Part of what has made me feel alone is not being with people who thrive where I would thrive.

Find your way

Those are just a few ideas as to why you might be exactly who you’re meant to be, but you haven’t found the place to be that person. As such there’s a sense of dislocation in your life.

Right people (especially partner and close friends), right place (job/hobby/home), right timing. All these things add to feeling more like yourself wherever you are, and will eradicate a lot of loneliness. The timing is about acceptance, you may be raising children at the moment so your dreams are having to take a back seat. You may have to pay bills and what you dream of won’t pay them. Be real, not now doesn’t mean not ever.

Relationships

To end with the one thing guaranteed to make you feel that you’re worthless, a relationship break up or someone you thought was a friend walking away. I’m not going to go down the classic route of ‘clearly it wasn’t meant’ because that doesn’t help.

Maybe you were the ‘wrong one’ in that relationship, in other words you were trying hard but not quite feeling it, and maybe they were. It’s not a crime and it doesn’t define the rest of your life. The most important thing is to reflect on the relationship truthfully, and if you do identify areas where things went wrong, resolve not to do that again!

Blame has never solved a single problem, honesty has. Don’t blame others, don’t blame you.

Most important of all, don’t take your emotions and sense of self from the way society thinks you should be. Go into your feelings, be honest with yourself, and then if you’re completely happy living a completely different life from the norm, do that. Don’t look at the herd and feel like you should reshape yourself to fit. Stick on your crown, stand tall, and sparkle as yourself. Don’t fit in to fit in, stand out to find your tribe.

To you happiness

Deb xx