Chaos

What’s the story behind your nickname?

“One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star.” Nietzsche

I was known as Deb Dancing Star for a long time because this is exactly how my life evolved.

I can’t actually dance, if you’re a Strictly fan and recall Judy Murray, I taught her the ironing board. I love dancing, I love music, I feel relaxed but actually I’m as stiff as a board.

I found out why though, the only music I’ve ever heard that gets inside me and takes me over, is Irish music. I can really feel it and it talks to my soul. knowing the way my life has evolved that may have changed now though.

The Dancing Star element was the part of me that never gave up, never quit, who somehow managed to keep going through the intense and constant emotional battering she took from the age of one.

I was supposed to be the perfect child, my father actually told me that! How crazy is that?! I failed at that the day I was born, as my mum nearly died, so did I, but later conversations really helped to undermine my sanity and self worth.

Many years later I was told by a close family friend who met me when I was nine, that I’d had the hardest life emotionally of anyone she’d ever met, and didn’t deserve a moment of it. She may have reversed that idea though as it sent me into total shock add I had a few months where I didn’t make a lot of sense.

The impact of knowing that what I had felt all my life, yet felt too young and stupid to be right, had actually been true, was earth shaking. How did I view my past? How did I view my parents? Were they cruel? Did they ever love me? Should I hate them? What the **** did I do with this information?

Yes I love them. They were only human and very hurt and damaged by real things. Sad things. Actually terrible things. They were looking for approval, and maybe to ensure I didn’t get hurt too by making me too nice to hurt.

As I’ve said before, my mother also gave me a stratospheric compliment about a year before she passed: “You’re everything your father was aren’t you…And it’s done you as much good as it did him.”

Dancing Star

This is where that Dancing Star energy kicked in. I could have gone down so many routes, but I decided that I would rebuild myself and become a person that I liked and respected. I would define my life by one word – kindness – and I would include myself in that rule. I will walk away if a relationship doesn’t work for me, but I don’t lay blame. I just say that I’m not comfortable. That’s it.

Whilst I don’t agree that one must have chaos within, I do believe that we have two choices, use the energy to create permanent, positive change (that’s the strap line of my book), or let external issues destroy you. my upbringing was faulty for me, I undid it. I rebuilt me.

Oddly I’ve just realised that my book shold have been called Becoming a Dancing Star!

Bit late to work that out, but Who am I? Where am I? What is this Place did perfectly explain how lost I was, and that the thing that was missing was me. It also explains how I rebuilt via the amazing learning I received from my mentor and later Spirit (the esoteric kind).

At the bottom of a bottle is a headache! At the bottom of your heart is your soul.

So that’s where that nickname came from. I was very honoured when I friend bought me a book of sayings one Christmas called Dancing Star, because to her that’s what I was. She was the person who made sense of everything for me.

Thank you Jayne 💖

Deb xx