When My Mind is Clear

When are you most happy?

Unfortunately, as a sufferer from acute anxiety that’s been a rare thing for most of my Life.

Because I saw what Valium did to my father and uncle, I wouldn’t take that route. As such there was no point trouble a GP for help who couldn’t do anything, at that time.

I was put on diazepam for two weeks, then it took a further six weeks to slowly reduce the dose to wean me off them, to prove that a physical symptom I had was stress related, which it was. I did feel so much better but…

I felt as if there was a glass plate in my mind, above it I felt wonderful, below it nothing had changed. I could feel that clearly. I’d never comment on what people do, because living with anxiety is hard, but trust me, they’re a sticking plaster, it’s your life that needs sorting out.

Later I saw a community psychiatric nurse, who was amazing. But my problems were my life so I went on battling day in and day out. Then I discovered mediation.

If I could stick to it, it would be amazing, but for the last few years I’ve found it hard to focus on anything. When you have no structure to your day, when it doesn’t matter what you do, you find you meditated on Monday and bore it’s Tuesday week and you’re not sure what happened. Then you get cross with yourself all over again.

I am becoming more focused though. I’ve felt depressed since a loss this year, and I’ve realised how much that actually affects you. Sounds stupid? Probably. At the time you’re just exhausted assuring yourself that you aren’t depressed. I seem to have a huge clarity around that now.

So for me, any day that my mind is clear is the best day ever!

I look forward to the next one and far more of them.

Deb xx