Letter to a ‘Feeble Mess’?

This poem is a poem to myself. To the person I thought I was and the person I turned out to be.
Maybe it’s a poem for you too, for the person you really were.

For forty-five years you suffered terribly
From an anxiety that wiped you out
Obscured the fun loving girl
And made you feel pointless

You were laughed at
Ridiculed
Harassed and belittled
The butt of cruel jokes
Made dizzy by the eyes rolling
Behind your back
By the people who made you ill
Whilst giving you every reason to dissolve

And you were ill
But you never accepted that
You never took refuge in that idea
You never let anyone 
Condemn you to a half life
Even when you had no idea what to do

You knew you had value
You knew you had a right to be fully alive
And deep down
You loved this life
Even though the people around you
Didn't love you

Just the opposite
They revelled in your pain because
Your 'weakness' made them look stronger
All the time you were broken
They weren't doing so bad
'At least we're not like her'
Cue laughter

When you said 'no'
When you recovered
The results were catastrophic
Their solid secure worlds
Were revealed as a house of cards

You stopped needing them
And had the courage to walk away
To move on one
Shaky
Lost
Terrified 
Step at a time

Each step became easier
Became a hop skip and a jump
To the future
You may falter sometimes
But you will never again
Forget how to skip

Happiness was always your default setting
And they were never going to win

Younger self
I salute you
When I look back I admire you more and more
You kept going against all odds
You overcame your emotions and mistakes
Your doubts and your fears
You stood firm 
And stand strong
Because of those things

They taught you how strong you are
They taught you that the person you thought 
Was a broken mess
Was getting you through
Holding you up
Fighting for you
Demonstrating phenomenal strength
And great courage
Even when you didn't know
How to put one foot in front of another

You were always
A brave and beautiful soul

Keep moving away
From anything you think may break you
It won't
Unless you're still there
Still accepting the pain
But you won't be
Not you
Not now
That's not who you are anymore

You will

Keep moving forward
Believing in yourself
Respecting who you are
Who you were and have become
Believing in your right to happiness
It is a divine right for all living things
Including you

One day
Someone may ask you
"Who is your greatest hero?
Your greatest inspiration?"
And you will be able to say
I Am


Deb Hawken
September 2023