How I became 7
I thought it worth popping a bit of my story in at this point to illustrate how messed up I became. I’ll keep it short.
By the time I was 23 there was nothing right in my life. I was in a miserable marriage, living in his grandparents old house (or shrine) with 4″ moth holes in the curtains. I was in a job I hated, that my father forced me to take, and I got caught there by the 1970’s recession, and by the time it was over I was institutionalised as ambulance service admin. Nothing we did translated into the world of business.
- My ex didn’t like my parents’ daughter
- My parents didn’t like his wife.
- My in-laws didn’t like my parents’ daughter or his wife.
- My parents didn’t like my in-laws daughter-in-law.
- My colleagues didn’t like me because of who my father was!
- My wider family didn’t like me out of principle.
- My friends wondered where I’d gone.
In order to stay out of trouble I started mirroring and agreeing with whomever I was with, and of course they all talked and I came across as a liar. When in fact all I was trying to do was remain slightly sane. I landed up hating myself too, but one session with my mentor, who was also a hypnotherapist, put paid to all the people pleasing, and returned me to the person I am now, who either tells the truth or diplomatically has no opinion. Nobody’s truth is true for anyone else.
Reassembling an anxious person
I’m not going to lie to you, putting myself back together and becoming a person I wanted to face in the mirror wasn’t easy, but of course I can help to make it a lot easier for you.
Firstly, take a deep breath and don’t worry about who you’ve become, anxiety is an illness and just as someone with a broken leg struggles to walk, you’ve struggled just to be. Forget all the blame, you’re seeking help just by reading this, and you’ve taken charge now.
The way I put myself back together was to decide on a set of standards by which I would live, if I have an upset with someone, if I haven’t broken my own standards then I’m comfortable in my own mind. If I have, I apologise, and I don’t feel lesser for it.
Every human makes mistakes (and saints have often died horribly!)
Suggestions
So standards, have a think about this list.
- Honesty
- Integrity – secret keeper who hates gossip!
- Kindness
- Peace
- Authenticity – say what you mean, mean what you say, do what you say you will do!
- Self respect – taking care of you, not allowing yourself to be hurt.
- Self-worth
- Boundaries
That’s just a few to get you thinking, in the end I plumped for kindness as my word to live by, as I felt it encompasses everything good.
Kindness to others, animals, the planet, and myself. All equal, all equally valuable.
Find a set of standards, teach yourself to live by them, measure yourself against them, if you haven’t failed you then don’t back down (kindly).
Say it – mean it – do it – be it.
It will take time but you can do this.
Deb Hawken 